Obviously, in my position as a spiritual leader, I ought to be offering hope for the new year. We don't really get this gig to go around bringing people down. Nobody's gonna be heading for the Beaker Bazaar buying party poppers if I don't tell you all how great it's going to be.
But let's face it. It's not easy, is it? I mean - everybody is going on about how 2016 was so dreadful. But what happened? I mean really? An unexceptional percentage of celebrities died. The UK voted itself out of the European Union. And the US elected Donald Trump president.
Well guess what? Next year, Brexit starts happening. Trump actually gets his little hands on the keys to the nuclear suitcase. And a load more celebrities will die. That's what happens. People die. Get ready, it ain't gonna be easy.
If we're lucky, Trump's minders will keep him under some kind of control. The British government will realise that Brexit is so hard, we might be better off where we are. ISIS won't get their hands on a dirty bomb. And Marie Le Pen and Gerd Wilders won't be running two of the EU's most committed members.
If we're unlucky.... oh blimey.
This is where my Christianity comes in. Not in some belief that people are inherently sensible, and things will probably turn out OK in the end. Oh no. My belief is that, given half a chance, people will do something stupid and selfish and all hell will break loose. Fear will trump - excuse the pun - love. Somebody will do a "trump" joke, given half a chance, that is based on bodily functions rather than Contract Bridge. And we will end up in a mess. Looking at the world we created, wondering what the heck we've turned it into now.
And at that point, God comes to us and says, "You want to know what sort of mess you can make? You keep forgetting. You're such utter fools that I sent my Son to show you a better way to do things. And you killed him as well. Look up at that cross. See the broken body there? Six days ago you were eating a species of Central American poultry in his honour*. And he's there because of you, you numpties. You know what you deserve?
"You deserve everything he took in your place. Look, that's happened once. Let's call it quits, see how long this lasts before you blow the whole joint up - but he is with you through it all. Because he knows just how stupid you can be, yet he's joined to you by his heart and soul. Not my choice - he seems to think you can be made better."
We're all doomed. Maybe not in 2017, but one day. Let's walk through the valley of the shadow of death and know there's light out there somewhere. Maybe we can shine our own light in 2017. Because God knows nobody is gonna be putting themselves out to shine one for us.
Have a happy 2017. Let's pray we get through it in one piece. And keep your eye on the light of infinity. Iit's where we will all end up.
* Vegetarian alternatives are available.