Chilean miners - the Movie

You've got to be so pleased for the miners as they are brought out into the outside world once again. It must be like a resurrection. "Out of the depths" has never sounded so meaningful.  Except for the lad who now has to explain his wife to his mistress (or possibly vice-versa). It's a wonder he came up at all, really.

Now, thanks to Young Keith's contacts in that world - now he's Minister for Unnecessary Spending - I've had a sneak preview of the Hollywood blockbuster that is being made about the event and can make a few revelations.  For instance:

• One of the miners will turn out to be gay. Although this will eventually be resolved, his sexuality will cause one of the other miners to hate him.  However, he will teach the other miners to put on a perfect performance of "YMCA". Albeit this will be spoilt by them all being "the miner".
• The evil mine-owners who sent the men down, knowing the roof could collapse, will be English. Alan Rickman will be the CEO.
• When one of the miners goes mad with claustrophobia, it will be necessary to slap him.
• Mel Gibson's character will be the one who digs the escape tunnel from the inside, while the incompetent Hispanics struggle with their drill on the surface.
• By pure co-incidence, and without anyone mentioning it, the people in the mine when it collapses will include a Catholic priest, a Jewish doctor, a handsome black man* and a young couple who have fallen out, but who will be re-united under the stress of the situation.
• The one who's a secret alcoholic will be fine after a week.
• The one who needs an emergency appendectomy will be given a piece of wood to bite on. Why they couldn't get any anaesthetics down via the paloma along with the scalpel and sutures will not be adequately explored.
• One of the wives and girlfriends on the surface will be giving birth just as her partner is coming up in the lift. After a dramatic car chase through - unexpectedly - Santiago, he will arrive just in time to hold the new-born in his arms.
• The hopeless English reporter - played with a stutter by Hugh Grant - will fall in  love with one of the miner's daughters. She will be far too young to be interested in him, but will succumb to his charms in the end.
• Robin Williams's character will be doling out home-spun wisdom and becoming increasingly annoying, while Tom Hanks will be intense.
• The guy operating the winch will get home after his 36 hour shift to find that his wife has left him for a miner, claiming that his job matters more than  she does.
• The cable holding the escape pod will become increasingly frayed as it runs over the pulley, finally breaking just as the last miner gets out. That this has left 3 engineers trapped at the bottom will be conveniently ignored.
• All the papers will speculate about how thin Kate Winslet looks. 

 * © Spitting Image, round about 1985.