Now is the winter of our discontent, made even colder by a bunch of Old Etonians.
The darkness of a Boreal autumn settles over Husborne Crawley, and even the Fertility Folk have come back in from the cold as their summer activities lose their appeal - or, at least, the outdoors aspect of them does.
And in the double-dip darkness of our frozen condition, I am aware that my switching on the heating only on alternate Tuesdays is not helping. And I thought I'd done such a good job in negotiating a cheap deal for French electricity. How was I to know that the French might go out on strike if someone tried to make them do some work? So I'm glad to provide some guidance on keeping warm.
1) Keep a hat on at all times. But not a baseball cap - it can make you look like the Foreign Secretary.
2) If you sew double duvets up into sleeping bags, they are remarkably cosy. But if you sew up all four sides from the inside, you're in real trouble. And if you try to hop down to breakfast still in your duvet/sleeping bag like some kind of surreal chintzy caterpillar, you're likely to break something. Although, on the bright side, the hospital may be slightly warmer than the Great House. Unless George Osborne has got to their fuel supplies first.
3) The other downside of sewing a double duvet up into a sleeping bag is likely to be a very irate partner. But don't worry, they'll go really quiet after a while, once they stop shivering.
4) Burning Community furniture in your room is against Community rules. You can chop up and burn your own furniture if you like, but not if it's varnished. It's bad enough all these people getting hypothermia without making them breathe in all those fumes.And burning cardboard boxes in your room is really quite stupid.
5) If you all sit round a 100W incandescent bulb to keep warm, the EU will come round and confiscate your light socket.
6) You can really get quite warm chopping up wood for my book-burning stove. Some people have complained that the Hnaefs, Drayton and myself are the only people allowed to have working
7) Helping Bernie in the kitchen will ensure you stay nice and warm. Although preparing all that roadkill may make you feel quite nauseous.
8) When the temperature in your room falls below 4°C / 40°F / 277K the Ice Alert will start flashing. There's no need panic, but you should just ensure you brake and steer more carefully.
9) If you're feeling really cold, think about the job cuts / family allowance / tax credits / person trying to prove you're not really ill. You should soon feel much warmer.
10) Warm radiators cause asthma, or ME or something. It's real science. Just read the research.
11) Stop wearing those hippy clothes and wear some tweeds and Barbour jackets. You'll feel a bit warmer and if you're lucky someone might mistake you for a member of the ruling classes.
12. Take the apposite meanderings of the Archdruid to visit any elderly relatives in the certain knowledge that the laughter that results will keep body temperatures high enough to avoid the necessity of burning more fossil fuels than strictly necessary during these times of restricted activity and economic exigency.
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