Render Unto Eileen

I've got this idea from Matthew 22. Or possibly Disneyland. Or both. In any case.

I'm pleased to announce the release of Beaker Beads. They're the special currency you can only buy at the Beaker Bureau de Change! Every bead is worth £5.27 and contains a holographic image of Dale Winton in a smock, to eliminate the danger of forgery.

Beaker Beads are now the only form of payment now accepted at the Beaker Bazaar. Except for all major credit cards, of course. Although even then we'd rather you used Beaker Beads, as it gets us round all that unpleasantness with the credit card companies when you try to return something.

What could be more fun than shopping with Beaker Beads? You can use them to buy that pebble you've had your eye on, a soothing pack of scented tea lights or - if you're feeling ironic -  a nice string of Beaker Beads.

And at the end of your pilgrimage, if you've not spent all your beads, you can return them at the Bead Exchange* for real money. Although we will charge a handling charge. And a "returns" charge if you bought them with a credit card - do you think we were born yesterday?

* Beaker Bead Exchange open alternate Tuesdays, 8.00-8.15. Beads exchanged only in whole strings of 10. No change given for part-beads.