Dismantling the Sermon on the Mount

(From Matthew 5:1-12)

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Because that's right isn't it - giving the kingdom of heaven to the poor in spirit?
Don't get me wrong - I'm not knocking the deserving poor in spirit. You know, the ones who've worked hard to be rich in spirit - or aat least comfortably-off in spirit. The ones who are pulling their weight in spirit, is what I'm getting at. I've nothing against them. Oh no, it's the idle poor in spirit I'm thinking of. The spongers in spirit. No effort, no work-rate. These people should get off the bums and on their bikes and make themselves at least getting-by in spirit, if you ask me.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

But mourning for what? It's no good just sitting around moping when there's a kingdom to build. Where's the can-do spirit in mourning all the time? Sure, the world's in a state and there's people in misery - all things end in death and disease and unexpected disaster are round every corner. Well, that's life. Buck up, pull yourself together - light a tea light, is my advice. That'll soon turn your sorrow into a sense of dulled cheeriness.

“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth."

Yes, the meek. Not the prophetic. Not the poets. Not the ones holding out visions and calling people to the promised land. No. The bloody meek. Like they'll know what to do with the earth.

No skin off my nose if the meek get it, mind. We - the people who make things happen - we'll all be safely off to heaven before the meek get it. And just as well. State I reckon we non-meek are gonna leave the earth in, the meek are welcome to it.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

Now, nobody's more peckish after righteousness than I am. Don't get me wrong. If there's righteousness on the table then I'm after it like a shot. Very partial to a bit of righteousness, I am.

But you know the trouble with righteousness? Not always on the table, is it? Sometimes the next decent meal of righteousness is a long way off. And it's very tasty - don't get me wrong - but it's a faff to make. So - and I'm being very candid here, letting you into a few little secrets of the trade. Sometime I reckon it's OK to cheat. And - given a bit of luck - false modesty and an air of piety can be passed off very successfully as genuine righteousness. You'd never know the difference - apart from that slight hint of saccharine rather than honey. Of course, the trouble with false modesty is that an hour later you need to be falsely modest again.

“Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy."

They're like that, the merciful.
They'll fall for anything.

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."

Yes, and seeing God - don't get me wrong, it's great. But if you've got to go getting your heart pure and all - that's tricky, isn't it? I mean, you could probably struggle against lust, let's say. But when you'd done that I think we can agree you'd rightly be proud of yourself. Swings and roundabouts, is what I'm saying. Seeing God's pretty hard, in other words. But it's much easier just to get a rough idea of what he looks like.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. "

And I know where the peacemakers tend to stsnd. In between the warring parties. Caught in the crossfire, in danger of attack from both sides. That's the trouble with peacemakers - even if you know someone's wrong and someone's right you've still got to stand in the middle while the peace is worked out - if you steam in on the "right' side you're not peacemaking, you're just another combatant.

So much better to side with the strong, I reckon. And being a child of God's great, but maybe being a niece or nephew of God's the place to aim? Then you get God coming round two or three times a year, never telling you off and leaving presents at Christmas and your birthday. Uncles are great, and far less demanding.
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“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Which is great, but sometimes people won't persecute you - or not properly - no matter how righteous you are. In these circumstances I recommend behaving unreasonably and then making some ludicrous stand about it. It's got all the benefits of persecution but without all that nasty pain. And if you're persecuted loudly enough, as only a middle-class white Briton could be, with any luck it won't happen again.