Saturday, 9 April 2011

Ban Lycra

In Old Testament times, the rules on the use of cloth were very strict. You couldn't weave two different kinds of thread into a garment. I have no idea why. But there it is. So any fundamentalist inveighing against homosexuality on the grounds that Leviticus forbids it, once he has stopped banning blind and disabled people from going forward for an altar call, should check what he's wearing. If it's Poly/Cotton he - I assume this is a "he" - better keep one eye upwards just in case of thunderbolts.

But I digress.

What I really wanted to do was say that, if Lycra had existed in Levitical times, I reckon it would have been in the list as well. Somewhere near that bit about Aaron sewing bells on his robe, or maybe near Deuteronomy 22:8. Although you can't knock the Basic English Bible translation: "If you are building a house, make a railing for the roof, so that the blood of any man falling from it will not come on your house." Makes it sound more like a housekeeping issue than one of blood-guilt.

But I am going to get back to Lycra. There must be good uses for Lycra. And there must be people that look good in it. But I'm not sure who they are. The cyclists were out in force today - the sun seems to bring them out like flies - and before you knew it there were misshapen specimens of humanity all over the place in Lycra.

Now don't get me wrong. We're mostly of us fairly misshapen. We all have one - or many - things that could do with minor or major correction if we were honest. With one or two exceptions the idea of the perfect human being is a Hollywood-inspired, air-brush provided myth. Let's face it, even Morrissey has been known to wear NHS glasses.

No, nobody's perfect. But nobody's quite so imperfect normally, as they are when they choose to accentuate their personal oddness with Lycra. I tell you, I reported three of the cyclists today to Young Keith's uncle the police officer for indecent exposure. I'm afraid that unusually he was unable to act as the impartial officer of the law he is, and arrest people when I tell him to, as he remarked that "it's more unusual and horrible than indecent". And I guess the trouble with the people that wear Lycra on bikes is - they don't get to see themselves from the angle that we do.

So yes, I may inadvertently have scooped one of them up on the bull bars for a while. But I was driving quite slowly. And really, given the view I had of a spindly bloke in Lycra shorts, crouched over the handlebars with his bottom in the air - can you blame me for averting my view?

So please, before any more cyclists end up on my bonnet - ban Lycra.


  1. Lycra should only be worn by the overweight and misshapen. It would soon be banned.

  2. Oo-er, I'm wearing my stretch pants as I write this, but at least I'm at home and not on a bicycle, so am I banned?

  3. "Stretch" and "pants" - I'm trying to work out whether these are two words that should ever be in the same sentence.

    UKViewer - I thought Lycra only *was* worn by the overweight and misshapen? Which, let's face it, is pretty well all of us.


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