The Archdruid writes: after Drayton's introduction of various "new" versions of the Bible a few weeks ago, I'm glad today to welcome a guest-post from Mr Grafton Underwood, a former friend of Drayton's.
Drayton fell out with Grafton after a disagreement over the different versions of the Bible. Essentially Drayton's view is that the King James Version is the only version you could ever need. Whereas Mr Underwood... well, you'll see.
I am grateful for this chance to encourage you, my friends, with the great news of the new translations of the Bible that are being produced all the time. I am addressing you as the Chief Executive Editor of Crumpe Bible Paraphrasers. We are named in honour of the man who pointed out the flaws in Wycliffe's views. Because we are well aware of the aims and purpose of Wycliffe Bible Translators - to translate the Bible into the native language of the many people that do not have the Scripture. But we feel this market sector is therefore already maximised - and so we have adopted an alternative approach to the Great Commission. Inspired by the Stock Racing Bible and the American Patriot's Bible, we will not rest until we have a version of the Bible for every socio-demographic group in the Western World.
And so I am glad to introduce to you our wide range of new versions. I hope you will find them spiritually fulfilling, personally edifying and - above all - aware that the word of God was written specially for you.
There is the Project Managers' Bible, for example. The Book of Revelation sees the nations of the earth drawn together at the Lessons Learned Meeting of Life. The Issues Log is examined, and everyone's action points examined to ensure they have been met, or at least delegated. It is pointed out that Risk Number 1 was "If you give human beings free will, they may not behave very well." It is agreed that this risk has, finally, been mitigated. Finally the Project Implementation Report on Planet Earth is signed-off by the Sponsor, and the follow-on project is initiated. Many project managers may find the follow-on rather frustrating, as there appear to be no deadlines.
In the Builders' Bible, there are footnotes and diagrams reflecting the different kinds of construction involved in the various buildings mentioned. At various points the constructors of the Tower of Babel, the Walls of Jericho and the Tower at Siloam are referred to as "cowboys". Deuteronomy 22:8 is paraphrased to ensure that as well as building a parapet around flat roofs, you should supply anyone going onto such a construction with a hard hat. The description of the Eternal City in Revelation 21 passes the comment that, in the translator's view, pure gold isn't going to be very hard wearing as paving material, and you might be better off with a more traditional tarmac construction. When Noah is asked to build the Ark, God remarks that if he keeps slipping off home at lunchtime it's going to take years.
In the Professional Footballers' Bible,every decision that God makes is challenged by the People of Israel. Goliath is sent off for "diving".
The Local Council Officials' Bible has a Pentateuch that is six times as thick as normal, as additional regulations are added onto every single law. The Instructions on Mildew in Buildings is
issued as a separate document for reasons of space. The priests investigating mildew on clothing are accompanied by Environmental Health Inspectors.
The Soft-Hearted Animal Lovers' Bible is my particular favourite. In this, all animal sacrifices are replaced with the preparation and consumption of vegetables. Isaac gets suspicious when Abraham takes him off for the sacrifice but leaves his apple corer behind. And on the Day of Atonement, the Grape-goat is rolled off into the dessert. Sorry, desert.
And finally - until we write some more - the Diversity Advisors' Bible. In which, after his instructions for how to deal with the People of Canaan, God is instructed to attend a Diversity Awareness Course to learn to appreciate rather than disparage cultural differences.
So make sure your next purchase is from Crumpe's. A Bible written specially for you. Dedicated to your problems. And meeting your needs, in your way.
Of course the Atheists Bible is the only ecologically sound version ;)
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