Yes to the AV

Brothers and sisters, what an evening of terror I had last night. Only my faith of iron took me through it without being converted to cross-dressing or dog-shooting.

Since returning from Skegness, and once - praise be - my leg muscles had healed from cycling Burton around the place with his groyne strain - I have been taking an interest in the AV debate. And naturally I assumed it was something to do with the national debate over which version of the Bible should be read at the royal wedding. And of course the reading should be the Authorized Version - the one which, for a reason that is wrapt in the eternal mystery but is doubtless true and right, describes kings and royalty and others in government over us as "tyrants" far less frequently than other version.

So, dear friends, I created a huge banner with the words "Yes to AV" on it, and suspended it between a couple of large trees. And it came to pass that yesterday evening I was visited by a nice young man, who asked if I would like to get involved in the "Yes to AV" campaign. Which is how I found myself in the Reading Rooms last night.

But gradually it dawned on me that something was wrong. These earnest young men, women and - as it seemed - hippies were not discussing the eternal power of the word of God in Jacobean language. No. They were talking about some kind of arcane voting system. I explained to them that, on good Biblical principles, I could not support any kind of "alternative vote" scheme. I let my "yes" be "yes" and my "no" be "no". My "no" is not actually "not completely, and other alternatives are available." The lot that elected Matthias was first-past-the-post, not alternative preference lots.

And we discussed some more and I discovered - woe of woes - that I had fallen into a nest of Liberal Democrats! A party that once advocated shooting dogs, if my memory of Jeremy Thrope's time as leader serves me correctly. A party that is now led by a man who is openly Clegg. And worse - not only Liberal Democrats, but it turns out that one or both Milibands is also in favour.

Friends, I could not delay in that place of loose morals and evil talk. I returned post-haste to the Manse, removing, once again, the "WO-" that Eileen had painted on the front of the nameplate.  And converted the banner to read "Yes to the AV - No to AV".

I went to bed last night rejoicing, and ready for a good night's sleep. And slept soundly until this morning, when I was disturbed by someone driving into the fence, as they tried to work out what my sign meant.