Memorial Sermon for the Death of Football

And so, in the light of yesterday's events in the Premiership, we reflect that fings ain't wot they used to be, and that money has ruined football. This time is definitely the end. Just like it was definitely the end a few years ago, when Roman Abramovich bought first Chelsea and then the Premiership.

And in doing so we follow our fore-mothers and fore-fathers, fore-uncles and fore-aunties - who declared money had ruined football when Trevor Francis went for a million quid in  1979. And when Jimmy Greaves went for a quid less than 100,000 in 1961.  And when Alf Common became the first £1,000 player in 1904.

And so we reflect on the immense waste of money involved in the whole thing, the money syphoned out of the pockets of fans and into those of agents and other hangers-on. And in a moment we will light the gigantic pile of Monopoly money we have erected in Lower Paddock. We will watch until all that is left is a little ash blowing in the wind - in the Ceremony that has the strange name "Buying Torres".

And as we reflect on the obscene sums involved in football, we will agree that Arsene Wenger needs to get out and spend big and quick. Because how else can he hope to compete with the Big Boys?

Late score: Manchester 13 - North London 3.