When Morrissey Was Interviewed for the Vicar's Job

Q: Revd Morrissey, after leaving the Smiths, you were quietly ordained. But after you'd served your title, you spent years trying to find a post.  You eventually because the Vicar of Grizzling-in-the-Mist. So why are you trying to move after only 12 months?

Morrissey: I was looking for a job, and then I found a job. And heaven knows I'm miserable now.

Q: I believe you had a falling out with the Churchwardens in Grizzling. Were you serious in your threats?

Morrissey: I was only joking when I said "By rights, you should be bludgeoned in your bed."

Q: So given there were clearly some tensions within your team - let's suppose Bill, the Warden here, had been very rude to you and then felt really sorry about it. You could forgive him - but if you wanted instead to downgrade his apology and make him feel really unimportant instead, so you constantly had something over him - what would you say?

Morrissey: "William, it was really nothing."

Q: And you've run into some problems with your current parishioners doubting your orthodoxy, despite your obvious sincerity in saying the Creed.  What's your take on that?

Morrissey: How can they hear me say those words And still they don't believe me? And if they don't believe me now will they ever believe me?

Q: So are you alone in this alienation from your congregation, or do you think it's commonplace - say among other ministers you know?

Morrissey: I've seen it happen in other people's lives, and now it's happening in mine.

Q: Social action is very important in this benefice.  What would you say, for example, in encouraging people to protest against the domination of the country by the retail conglomerates, which stifle small businesses and drive ever-smaller margins out of the farmers in our own area?

Morrissey: Shoplifters of the world, unite and take over.

Q: So let's talk about inter-faith relations - what do you think about George Carey's latest comments on Muslim communities in the UK?

Morrissey: Bigmouth strikes again.

Q: As a celebrity, you must realise our concerns that you'd not be totally dedicated to the pastoral and preaching ministry of the church. Given the inevitable demands - as a famous minister - that you be on Songs of Praise, at Greenbelt or guesting on quiz shows - how would you balance your time?

Morrissey: I'd rather be famous than righteous or holy, any day, any day, any day.

Q: It's been a dreadful week in the news - Iraq, Gaza, the threats from Icelandic volcanoes and American earthquakes. There's always some dreadful news coming in about the climate. How do you bring people hope in all this?

Morrissey: There is a light that never goes out. There is a light that never goes out.

Q: Thanks, Fr Steven. Obviously you're completely unsuited to this role. But as you might say, frankly, Mr Shankly, we've nine rural parishes and nobody wants to take the job on. You're the first applicant we've had in 6 years. How soon can you start?

Morrissey: How soon is now?