Saturday, 21 May 2016

A Short Guide to Prog Rock Religions

It was a time of great turmoil. When the moon was in the 7th house, and Jupiter in line with Mars. In the United States, young people took off their clothes, took acid, and marched against Vietnam. While in Britain, a bunch of hairy young posh men decided that they wanted to create a musical genre with an unhealthy interest in goblins and Greek folklore. Unexpectedly the sort of hairy young middle-class people that liked this genre became something more like religious movements than innocent music-lovers. Today,  the Prog Rockers are ageing, middle-class and still clinging to the great times of the past.

Barclayism: A belief in worthy if boring music. Major annual celebration is the Barclay James Harvest Festival.

Crimsonism: Hold the belief that they are the true religion, and that Gabrielism is a heretical sect. Unusual services in their temples ("Court of the Crimson King) where they repent of their Fripperies.

Enidism: Followers of St Enid and St Tommy Vance, patrons of Friday Night music on Radio 1.

Floydism: Ardent worshippers of the Piper at the Gates of Dawn. Dedicated to breaking down walls. Have a mythical leader called "Pink", but nobody knows which one he is.

Gabrielism: Worshippers of the Mighty (but unreliable) Mellotron. They hold the belief that when a spirit called Rael left Genesis, all that was left was a shambling zombie.

Orange Essence Grindle - a Prog Band so alternative they didn't even go on stage
Haywardism: Offshoot of Moodyism who fear a hellish apocalyptic state where it is forever Autumn.

Latter-Day Marillionism: A millennial religion that believes things are better in the modern day. Belief shared with Corbynism that truth is held in small sects, Social Media communities are the whole world, and popularity is to be shunned. Rejects the sign of the Fish.

Moodyism: Exclusively uses the hymns of Moody and Sankey. Unhealthy focus on the Cosmos as a religious entity. Blue is always the liturgical colour.

Tullism: Another religion worshipping a piper. Suffered a major doctrinal dispute that led to the rise of Blodwynism.

Wakemanism: The belief that Rick Wakeman really is a wizard.

Yesism: Rejects the Buggles and all their works.


  1. Progressive Metallism: espouses the doctrine of Justification by Thrash Alone.

  2. Rushians: Worship by caressing steel, services start at 12 minutes past 9pm.

  3. Anglicanism: a joke in every way, please disestablish.


Drop a thoughtful pebble in the comments bowl