The Priest of the Future

Great excitement as a company in Japan unveils the first robot priest able to conduct funeral services.

In Japan, with an ageing population and Buddhist priests having to do jobs as IT managers and what have you, this may be seen as a reasoable option.

But in Britain there will be diocesan bishops looking carefully at this.

A robot priest, combined with driverless car technology, will be able to roam the parishes of multi-church benefices, covering anything up to 12 services on the average Sunday and thereby keeping village churches open - even long after their congregations have all died.

"The words of the Prophet Zarquon....."

Robots are perfect for unintellectual, repetitive tasks. This could include repointing the external stonework of the Lady Chapel, or filling in the latest Diocesan Return on the use of A4 paper.

They never sleep - so can take phone calls from people at any hour of the day or night.

They don't need a Day Off - so feel no guilt when they don't take them.

They will never feel a calling to another benefice.

They can be plugged in to charge up in the church at night, and kill people breaking in with their deadly laser eyes.

When they wear out, their CPUs  and memories can be upgraded and fitted into the chassis of the next model. Thus ensuring that when the PCC says "it wasn't like this in Father Marvin Mk III's Day", Father Marvin Mk IV can say "I think you'll find it was - let me project what it was like onto the wall with my inbuilt audio-visual display apparatus."

Robots need have no doubts, no existential crises. Are never tempted to join Rome or have affairs. Never get drunk and fall off their bikes. Have beautifully impassive faces, whether faced with good news or bad. Treat triumph and disaster just the same. And never have the slightest doubt as to whether they are in the wrong.

There are rumours that the Church of England has been trialling robo-priests in some parishes for the last 20 years. So far, not one has been rumbled.