Thursday 19 April 2018

Liturgy of Removing St Morrissey's Day from the Beaker Common Prayer

Archdruid: He was looking for some eggs and then he found some eggs

All: And heaven knows he's miserable now.

Archdruid: Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to rip St Morrissey's Day from the Beaker Common Prayer. And be it known that, though I would love to amend the version on Lulu, I've lost the password so I can't.

All: Easy done, your pointy-hattedness.

Archdruid: We are now to rip the appropriate pages out of this book, not because he is a vegetarian, but because Morrisey is a right-wing apologist and total wingnut.

Ken Livingstone: You know who else was a vegetarian and a total right-wing wingnut? Hit....

Archdruid: Bag him, Hnaef.

Red Ken is put into the Big Sack to be put outside. 

Archdruid: And so we display the horcruxes of Morrisey. A punctured bicycle. A bunch of glads. A hearing aid. And...

Ken Livingstone: Hitler?

Archdruid: OK Hnaef. Did you forget to tie the bag up?

Red Ken is put into the Big Tote and chucked on the conveniently-just-installed conveyor, o be put away in the Automatic Storage and Retrieval Mechanism in the car park. 

Archdruid: And the last horcrux is... oh, hang on. It's Johnny Marr. That ain't happening. OK. Let's rip the pages out.

The pages are ripped out. 

 Archdruid: OK. Place them in the Pail of De-Morrisseying.

The pages are placed in the Paul of De-Morrisseying. 

All: Are you going to burn them?

Archdruid: Certainly not. I'm going to soak them in milk. That will really annoy him.

Hnaef: Anyone for a barbie?

Archdruid: Meat is murder.

Hnaef: Yeah, but a nice juicy steak, with a bit of mustard, the blackened edges crumbling in heir own...

Archdruid: Oh go on. Just the one. For Morrissey's sake.

All: It won't make him happy.

Archdruid: But then nothing ever does. Let us join in the eternal response. Hang the DJ.

All: Hang the DJ.

Archdruid: Hang the DJ.

All: Hang the DJ.

Archdruid: Hang the DJ.

All: Hang the DJ.

Archdruid: Hang the DJ.

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From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

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