Church Maintenance With Tony Blair

Thanks to Tony Blair for taking time out of his busy life as a jet-setting after-dinner speaker, bringer of peace and walker on water to answer questions in this special edition of "Church Maintenance".

This church is attempting to hide its identity so it can invade Kensington

Dear Tony

We have a compost heap at the bottom of the churchyard, where we put grass clippings and dead flowers from the graves. When we came to empty it out, we found a number of newts seem to be using it as a base. What do you advise we do?

Yours newtily

'Newt' Gingerish

Dear Newt 

Love the name! There are different types of newts, and they have different conservation statuses. So you need  to be careful. 

If they're palmate newts, they're a protected species.  It's against the law to  destroy them. So you'll need a really imaginative dossier to explain why you're doing it. If they're crested newts, I'd just send in the drones to take them out. We have strong evidence that crested newts are in alliance with Al Qaeda. And if they're not, they will be after I've sent in Special Forces.

Yours

Tony

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Dear Tony

Last year we thought we would grow a wildflower patch in the graveyard. It was lovely as the poppies and cornflowers came through! This year, however, we seem to have an outbreak of teasels. What do you suggest?

Yours 

Poppy Flowers

Dear Poppy - if that is your real name.

I have reason to suspect that you are working for a foreign power that I shall not mention. I have had your phone hacked, and you have repeatedly mentioned to your friend "Doris" (another pseudonym, I expect) that you have been working hard at establishing the "plants".

The case could not be more clear. By the powers vested in me as the Supreme Peace-Bringer of the Universe, I am putting you under house arrest. Mr Campbell will be round by the time you are reading this. I know. He's watching.

Love

Tony

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Dear Tony

Bats in the belfry! There are droppings on the altar coverings and some of the flower ladies are terrified to go into the church after it gets dark. Any hints?

Yours

Mary Quite-Contrary

Dear Mary

Again, we are in an area where the law takes a very dim view of the extermination of these obviously malicious creatures. But if you do nothing, you will only be encouraging them to invade Lebanon. So I suggest simply blowing them up, and denying you did anything wrong afterwards. It always works for me!

Yours

Tony 

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Dear Tony

We have a quite hideous tapestry given to us in memory of someone's Auntie 20 years ago. But I have read if we simply sell it, or even throw it away without a faculty, we could be in break of Church Law. The diocese says we have to keep it because it is of intrinsic worth and in keeping with its setting. What do you suggest?

Yours worriedly

Art Lover

Dear Art

Worry no more! If you can't get something passed straight away, why not try just using the Parliament Act to subvert democracy? And if that fails, make up some stuff about it secretly recruiting for ISIS and blow it up. They'll probably make you a peace envoy - but not in the Middle East! You after my job?!

Yours

Tony

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Dear Tony

I've checked the newts in the compost to see what type they are, and there's a couple of slow worms as well. Should I approach this more carefully?

Yours

'Newt' Gingerish

Dear 'Newt'

More carefully? What are you on? Can't you see that these evil lizards are already forming alliances, ready to march on the Churchyard? There's not a moment to lose. I'm sending in a crack squadron of toads.

Which reminds me. Anybody seen Lord Prescott?

Yours

Tony

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Dear Tony

How would you approach woodworm in pitch-pine pews?

Yours 

Sven "Norwegian" Wood

Dear Sven

With a flame-thrower.

Yours

Tony 

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Dear Tony

Our vicar loves incense. But all the hangings and robes smell of it for days afterwards. What do you suggest?

Yours 

Chesney Cough

Dear Chesney

In your situation, I'd introduce a smoking ban. I did, and it worked.  Now nobody goes to the pub anymore! Horrible places, full of common people, they were.

Yours

Tony 

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Dear Tony

One of the light bulbs has gone in the chancel. It's about 40 feet above an uneven freestone floor. In these elf' 'n' safety days, how would you deal with it?

Yours 

"Church Warden"

Dear Church Warden

Should you ignore me and send someone up to deal with it using only a ladder, or even inadequate scaffolding, let me know. Cherie will be only too glad to sue the cassock off you, the Vicar and the entire PCC.

If you take my advice, though, at a range of 40 feet you can't beat a nice shotgun. Should remove the problem completely - no light fitting left to worry about! And if you're lucky, you might take out a few bats.

Yours

Tony 

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Dear Tony

In this centenary year, do you have any suggestions on how we could clean up our 1914-18 war memorial?

Yours 

"Slugger" Tomlinson

Dear Slugger

If only people paid more attention to me, you wouldn't need to worry about that grubby old war memorial.

You could have a nice shiny new one.

Yours

Tony