Monday 8 September 2014

Worship in the Style of Vatican 2

Our "Spirit of Vatican 2" service was, at best, patchy, and has left us with a lot to think about.

Obviously, until there's a female Pope there's no question of us thinking about whether to readmit the Catholics to the Beaker fold. We threw them out after Athanasius slipped some bans on moon observances and pebbles into the minutes of the Nicene Council. You know how it is with minutes - by the time of the next meeting nobody can remember what was said, and the minutes just get passed on the nod. I believe that Graham Taylor got the job of England manager in a similar manner. And don't even get me started on the Filioque.

But we're still happy to pinch ideas off our scattered, Plymouth or Quivering Brethren. So when I realised what the Spirit of Vatican 2 actually means, I was up for it.

Basically, the Spirit of Vatican 2 means anything you want to believe came out of that much-maligned Council, plus anything you've ever been told it decided.

So today's event included:

Liturgy in the Vernacular (which, not specifying whose vernacular, we took to mean Georgian. Dunno why, just a whim.)

Liturgical pole dancing.

Praying in Welsh. Well, Midrag claimed it was Welsh. I reckon she was just shouting "coriander" repeatedly.


A redefinition of the days when you can have a break during fasts, to include those with a "y" in them.

A radical decentralisation of the service, so everybody could worship as they liked under the banner of "inclusiveness". Admittedly a bit of a mistake. We had to stop Chezney ripping the still-beating heart out of that pike. You can be too inclusive, it turns out.

Pole-dancing clowns, singing "Eskimo Neil" in Welsh on the grounds that "worship has to be more accessible'.

Hip-hop Evensong, because "we've got to get in touch with the kids."

Singing "Kum By Ah". At Hip-hop Evensong. Because "you've got to take people with you."

Me getting to wear a nice tiara, and being officially declared "implausible".

Singing "Happy Birthday" to the Blessed Virgin Mary.

So quite an afternoon.  It's a rush on now before this evening's "Howling at the Moon" service. We've got to round up all the wild boar who are running amok, drunk on windfall cider apples, in the Orchard, and get the pike extracted from the baptistry. Those Catholics are such party animals!


  1. I've encountered worse from Farver Arfur at the church of St Darryl the Apostate. You must remember that the "Spirit of Vatican 2" lot are at the older end of the boomer age group, and that that "liturgical zimmer dancing" is more their thing.

  2. You forgot to include the liturgical version of 10 green bottles :(


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