Who's Funeral

The cyber-pall-bearers carry the Tardis on its side to the middle of the Moot Crematorium.

Archdruid: We loved the one-liners

All: And Rose Tyler

Archdruid: And Eccleston was fun and frantic

All: And Tennant was manic.

Archdruid: And the young one - he was OK.

All: Couldn't keep his hands off the assistants.

Archdruid: But why does everybody complain about the lesbian lizard....

All: ...and ignore the whole River Song cross-species thing? At least Silurians are terrestrial.

Hymn: "Unchained Melody", including the revised line:

"Wibbley-wobbly timey-wimey goes slowly"

Archdruid: But it just got too silly.

All: Jumped the robotic mega-shark from Victorian London.

Archdruid: Victorian London?

All: Yeah. Everything happens in Victorian London. Exploding dinosaurs, robotic men - you name it.

Archdruid: Victorian values, eh?

All: Dreadfully oppressive.

The Dalek guard of honour surround the Tardis.

Dalek Caan: We bury you with the full honours of the Cult of Skaro.

Dalek Sec: Exterminate!

Dakek Caan: Too late for that. We will eliminate the remains of the Doc-tor, and then we will 

exterminate the Beaker Folk.

Dalek army from the recreated yet unexplained Crucible: Exterminate the Beaker Folk!

Beaker Folk: oo-er. The Express warned us about the Supermoon!

Quarks, Soltarans and telepathic spiders bring flowers, jelly babies, scarves and silly jackets in tribute.

Elegy

Archdruid: Well, cheers Doctor. It's been nice to have you back but you're just not very good anymore, are you? I mean - this current series is more forced than Granny Boycott's rhubarb.

Nothing's scary enough. Nothing is funny enough. Describing the look of desperation on Gemma Coleman's face is.... what's the word.... imp-something. On the tip of my tongue.

You've had a good several lives, but let's face it, enough's enough.  Trenzalore awaits just as soon as I've pressed this button.....

The Rift in Time appears in the wall. The previous 73 doctors are waving through the gap.

Archdruid: Rats. I always worry about pressing the wrong button. That was supposed to close the curtain.

The Doctor (leaping from the Tardis): It worked!  By reversing the neutron flow and defragging the large hadrons, I dissembled the dark worf and reconstituted my own time line!

Archdruid: Does that actually mean anything?

The Doctor: Of course not. Now come, Clara.

Archdruid: Are you saving the seventeenth aquarantine planet of the Sjisl System?

The Doctor: ***** am I. I'm off to stand as *****ing Scottish Prime ******ing minister. Can't have that *****ing potato-face Salmond *****ing doing it. ***ing Cameron's presided over a *****ing shambles.