Archdruid: We've got to lose that sax solo. In tribute to Dermot Morgan, we've replaced our monthly cafe church with....
Mrs Doyle: Now, will you have a cup of tea?
Archdruid: Not now, Mrs Doyle. I'm leading a service.
Mrs Doyle: Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, GO ON!
Archdruid: OK, I'll have a cup of tea.
Mrs Doyle: Well, now - it's gone cold. I'm just going to have to pour it all down the drain.
The Parade of Lovely Girls
Archdruid: Now aren't they all lovely.
Burton: To prove I am non-sexist, and able to pay women a compliment without being in any way creepy, can I mention that they all have lovely bottoms?
Archdruid: No you can't. Oh - look at that - I can see that the gutter of the Great House has moss clogging it up.... But let's push on. It's great to celebrate John & Mary's 25th Wedding anniversary with this renewal of vows. John - you must be very proud of Mary?
John: Feckin' old witch.
Archdruid: And Mary, you must love John very much to be together after 25 years?
Mary: It would only have been three years. But the chamber stuck in the gun when I pulled the trigger.
A scream can be heard - Mrs Doyle falling from the gutter of the Great House.
Fr Dougal's Creed
All: You know the way God made us, and he's looking down at us from heaven?
And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?
And when we die, we're all going to go to heaven?
That's the part I have trouble with.
So, if God has existed forever...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?
Archdruid: And now, I will ask Fr Jack to say a few words over the offering, which is in aid of the needy.
Fr Jack (Jumping out of the window with the collection): Shower of Bastards.
Archdruid: Just two quick notices. First up, on the Green tomorrow lunchtime we'll be taking part in the traditional Irish pastime of kicking Bishop Brennan up the....
Charlii: Archdruid, I'm afraid that's been cancelled as he's got to defend another paternity suite.
Archdruid: OK, anyway. On Sunday afternoon, we will be holding a blessing service for Pat Mustard's children. The service will start at 1pm, and if I'm quick we should be finished by midnight. So now Fr Dougal will play us out on the electronic organ with our new
Fr Dougal fails to get anything meaningful out of the keyboard.
Archdruid: Dougal! Just play the ****** note!
All: And also with you.
Archdruid: OK, you asked for it. Take it away, Fr Noel.
Fr Noel Furlong: Kum By Ah, oh Lord..... come on, sing along.....!