The Archdruid's New Year Message

When giving a New Year message it is always tempting to assume that everyone else that is listening to you agrees with you.  I suspect that this may  not be the case with Gordon Brown this year, as he'd probably have to go a long way to find anyone to agree with him.  Even in his own party apparently.

For myself, in greeting this new year 2010 CE, I will instead reflect that each of us has their own story.  In a post-modern world there is only one grand narrative, and that is that there are no grand narratives.  And therefore this address will be in many parts.

To the Beaker Secularists Movement I say - happy new year, Albert.  That's another year gone before we're all dead.

To the Moon Gibbon people I say - I know you've renamed yourself "Forward in Ferns", and gone out on your own onto Aspley Heath to pretend you're nothing to do with us.  But isn't it awful cold out there?

To the Primitive Extreeme Beaker Folk, I wish a new year of happy mis-spelling and rousing hymns.

To the unexpected Mayan Beaker Folk who appeared in the community early last week for no apparent reason, I say - "Only two years left!"

To the honest, hard-working, decent, salt-of-the-earth, Archdruid-supporting middle-of-the-road Beaker Folk I say this.  Early in the year we realised that in order to pull the Community through the recession, it was important that I borrow lots of money from you so I could use it to bribe you with deluxe tea lights, pebbles bought in from Indonesian islands and special glittery hi-viz.  And for a while it worked.  But next year, Hnaef will be raising the "voluntary" offerings to new and stringent levels so I can remove the money from you, then pay you back the money I borrowed from you minus a special "bankruptcy protection fund".  You may not understand the fine detail of this but be assured, we'll all be poorer.  Except me of course.  Next year you'll be digging for your own pebbles and melting down roadkill to make tea lights.  And it will be my job to try and make you think life would be worse under Drayton Parslow.

To Drayton Parslow I say - you take over this community over my dead body, sunbeam.  Or, more likely, yours.

To the Guinea Pig folk of Stewartby, I can only say it in song - "Who ate all the guinea pigs?  Who ate all the guinea pigs?"  The answer is we did, but it was a huge mistake.  Sorry about that.

And to the Muslims, Jews, Mayans and others of this world whose religions don't think it's the New Year at all (I include the Beaker Folk of course, whose New Year was last week, and any neo-pagans who think it was at Halloween).  But to all whose years are numbered differently I say - did you notice what happened back there?  I referred to next year as "CE", for "Common Era".  Not "AD" for Anno Domini.  It's a cunning trick carried out for Political Correctness purposes.  It relativizes the date by distancing it from the Christian faith whose original (wrong) reckoning of when Jesus was born is the foundation of the Western calendar.  And so you think it's all suddenly so neutral and dolphin-friendly and respectful of all traditions and none.  And yet - it's the same old Western numbering system.  So we've conned you into thinking that it's so even-handed, and yet simultaneously we've made sure that the "Common" date you use.... was ours all along.  Clever eh?  And they say cultural imperialism is dead.

Happy New Year.  And may your God or gods go with you.  Unless you're a humanist, in which case may your anorak keep you warm and dry.