Christmas Debunked

We heard Bishop Nick Baines on the radio the other day talking about his book, and being accused of wanting to ban carols etc. And thought he did a very good job of talking about the joy of Christmas and explaining that he wasn't going to ban anything.  Obviously it was early, and we were tired from dealing with the fallout from  Young Keith's exploits - but we missed what the woman who was also on with him was talking about, apart from her singularly quiet children.  Anyone have any ideas?

Meanwhile, it is always traditional for a senior religious spokesperson to come up with some genuinely alternative  "truths" about Chrismas during the Advent season.  Strictly speaking, running a commune of fifty numpties while trying to extract every possible penny out their pockets is not "senior".  But still.  Based on in-depth research, and a heap of wishful thinking:

The story of the census was just Luke's way of explaining why Jesus was in Bethlehem - David's hometown and therefore the Messiah's expected birthplace. In fact, Mary had popped to Bethlehem's Waitrose  to pick up some last-minute luxury biscuits for Joseph, when she unexpectedly went into labour.

As is made explicitly unclear in Matthew, the "Three Wise Men" or "Three Kings" are identified neither by number, gender, nor - indeed - by being "Kings".  The "Magi" - from which we get our word "Magic" - were either astrologers or magicians.  So we can imagine Mary being amazed by Russell Grant's choice in jumpers,  and Derren Brown eliciting from Joseph that he wasn't the real father,  while Paul Daniels made the sheep disappear ably assisted by the lovely Debbie McGee.

The Shepherds' Trade Union was extremely powerful in Palestine in the 1st century AD, so it is utterly implausible that the shepherds were "watching their flocks" by night.  While this may have been their cover story, it is likely that they were in fact wandering back from the Star when they noticed Paul Daniels shoving a sheep out the side of the stable, and wondered what was going on.

The Little Drummer Boy was in all original versions of the Nativity stories.  However he was excised from the Gospels by a group of early Christians who believed that all percussion was sinful. Thankfully a group of Gnostics, the Church of the Little Drummer Boy, kept the faith through the centuries until they were able to pass it on to the current leader of the group and his predecessor, David Bowie and Bing Crosby.

In the absence of an understanding of aviation in the Roman Empire, there's no way that the Holy Family "flew" to Egypt.  Our assumption is that they probably walked.

It has been assumed that Mark wrote no Nativity story.  However, we have found evidence that the front of Mark's Gospel, like the back, fell off at some point early in the history of its transmission.  Mark's Gospel appears to have been the worst-bound book in history.  Sadly, the story of the Visit of the Grandparents, the chapter where the Baby Jesus actually cried all night, and the barbecue that Joseph and Mary held to celebrate the birth (using the Ox from the stall and the  sheep that the shepherds brought) are all lost.  As is the story of when Joseph went to Bethlehem Registry Office to register the birth, and had a terrible time trying to explain who the father actually was.