"Father Christmas" is emblematic of the patriarchal society crushing dissent and differance, especially when waving that very phallic club around. We replaced him with "Mother Yule", a much gentler and kinder figure who would bring consensus rather than confrontation. However, in the interests of discipline I still felt it was necessary to equip the character with a pointy stick, to ensure that I - I mean she - was taken seriously.
"St George" is no longer regarded as a bona fide saint, and has been to an extent appropriated by such undesirable elements as the BNP. In the interests of harmony, therefore, I thought it was better to replace him with "Mother Gaia", a much gentler character with the interests of all at heart. Except when she's burning the planet up to kill us all and replace us with aardvarks.
"The Doctor" is an interesting character, but in these days of doubt about science I thought it would be better to replace him with the "Homeopathist". Equally effectual in healing, but in a much gentler, less invasive way.
Finally - "The Turk". Well, obviously he can't be killed at the end. In order to make him more sympathetic, we recast him as "the Kurd". In the interests of diversity, we felt it better that he and Gaia come to a peaceful resolution, although as you will see things didn't quite work out... At the end, the cast joined in the singing of "Merry Christmas, War is Over". This was somewhat drowned out by the cries of "boring" from the audience. However I still feel the evening was a success.
Mummers
We are the Beaker Mummers
We'll play you an old tale
Which you will think quite funny
if you've drunk a lot of ale.
Mother Yule:
I stand here with a "Ho ho ho"
My rhyme is short and quick
Be sure to give us lots of dough
Or I'll poke you with this stick.
Enter Piotr
Piotr:
My name is Piotr
I'm the newest Mummer
I come from Poland
and I'm a plumber.
If I can find St George tonight
I'll happily give him a fight.
Mother Yule:
St George can't be here tonight
A dragon gave him quite a bite
At first we thought 'twas septicaemia
but now it's probably anaemia
To give him a nice healing draught
We really need a homeopath.
Homeopath
I live for homeopathy
I can cure your son and daughter
Although I say it's a remedy
It's really only water.
It's good for itch,
malaise and stitch,
and people with bad back
But for heart disease and swine flu
You're better off with a real quack.
Piotr:
Oh, my back.
Homeopath:
What's amiss with thy back, Piotr?
Slipped disk? You need a doctor.
Enter Gaia
Here am I, Mother Gaia,
But I'm feeling pretty strange
My temperature is getting higher
And they're telling me it's the Change.
(Well, I am 4 billion years old)
Gordon Brown:
Here I am, a noble Scot
Come to save the world with my ditty.
If you've got money I'll take the lot
and give it to those in the City.
I am a noble champion bold;
I'd never tolerate crime
I took ten billion pounds in gold.
And sold it at the wrong time.
Gordon Brown throws a bucket of water over Gaia to cool her down. Gaia hits him where it hurts. In the polling booth.
Enter the Kurd
Kurd:
Here I am, a Turkish Kurd
Afraid to stay at home
With children four I've swum the Channel
And to Bedfordshire I've roamed.
Surely there is room for me at the inn?
Border Control Officer:
In days of old Kurds came to stay
and we just watched and stood
but there's an election due in May
so you're going to Yarl's Wood. (He hasn't even got an Identity card...)
The Border Control Officer drags the Turk and his children off.
Mother Yule:
Now the Kurd is locked up for the country's weal
And all of his kith and kin.
For twenty months he will fight his appeal
But we'll leave him to it and sing.
Mummers:
Happy Xmas - war is over
Not really, we're just deluded - la la la la.
The verse is repeated until all the Mummers have gone and the door is closed.
With thanks to the Christmas Time website, whose play was used for the outline.
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