John the Baptist - a revisionist approach

The recent discovery of the Gnostic "Gospel of Kenneth" has revolutionised our view of John the Baptist.  While the canonical Gospels show him as austere and possibly a little driven, Kenneth shows us John's softer side.

John said to the crowds that came out to be baptized by him, “Welcome, spiritual seekers!  I just want to ensure you're all with me here in creating a "safe space".  Now, we're going to be doing some very intense looking at ourselves here as we ask the question "did Abraham deserve us as his descendants?  What with him being a patriarchal tyrant who wanted to kill his own son to assuage the blood-lust of a cthonic sky-deity and all that.  Even now the yellow ribbons are tied around the bases of the trees to welcome you to your spiritual home; every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is encouraged to accept that, deep down, it produces fruit that it just hasn't noticed up to now.” And the crowds asked him, “What then should we do?”  In reply he said to them, “Whoever has two coats should really look into whether they need a third, because this year's colour is very definitely turquoise.  And whoever has food should bring it along at lunch and share it with others who also have food.”  Even tax collectors came, and they asked him, “Teacher, what should we do?” He said to them, “Collect no more than the amount prescribed for you.  But be assured that the amount prescribed will cover essential services and Tea-bag diversity advisors in Haringey.  But, hey - I'm not here to judge - I'm here to help you come to terms with your greed and rapacity.”  Soldiers also asked him, “And we, what should we do?” He said to them, “Do not rush to the press claiming you have insufficient equipment.  If you don't have body armour then keep your heads down.  And be satisfied with your wages.  Don't you know there's a recession on?”