Last night, Marjorie and myself did not get much sleep. Although I would hope nobody will read that in the ribald way that so many in these evil times, and especially on those Cities of the Plain, Northampton and Milton Keynes, are inclined to. No, we are of the opinion that sexual congress outside of a dedicated and Christian marriage of male and female together is an abomination. And Marjorie believes it is so special that, even within that holy institution, it should be carefully rationed as a dangerous source of pleasure inclined to cause loss of rational control.
No, we were kept awake by the sound of a number of the Beaker Men playing - or, I for I regret to say their faculties had been blunted - attempting to play - "Smells like Teen Spirit".
I notice that Eileen, while mildly satirising those involved, has not stressed the dangers in playing any kind of rock music, especially with improvised guitar solos. For is it not obvious? Are they blind to the dangers wherewith they play? Cannot they be aware that "Pentatonic" is a contraction of "Pentangle" and "Satanic"? I live in equal fear of one day coming across the word "Satangle". I know not what it will mean, but it will be wrong. Of that I am sure.
Bogwulf Funambulist Baptist Church have always been aware of the dangers of the Pentatonic scale - and also of the minor keys - leading as it does to depression and impure thoughts. That is why since 1958 they have removed the black keys from all keyboard instruments, and restricted accompanying instruments to harmonicas and ocarinas in the key of C only.
There is a problem with this rigorous enforcement of purity, of course. Hymns that are written for major keys other than C, while not spiritually hazardous in themselves, all have to be transposed to C. Which means that approximately two-thirds of everything we sing is either traumatically low, or as dangerously high as Mount Ararat (but without the petrified remains of the Ark). However I believe that a little hyperventilation is a small price to pay for keeping our congregation on the narrow path that leads to salvation. And the woosiness that it causes can be quite spiritual.
Is it more sinful to have sexual congress with a Christian of the opposite sex, to whom you don't happen to be married, or with a Muslim you married in church, with all the trimmings, as I did? We certainly had them puzzled, and after fifteen years, we're in a good position to thumb our noses at the doom-sayers!
ReplyDeleteA Satangle is a hairpin bend that you are compelled to navigate at short notice by your Satnav's curiously disembodied command to "turn right in 5 metres".
ReplyDeleteNo, don't thank me, it's a pleasure to help out a brother in Christ.