How Cold is your church? Introducing the Parslow Scale

Brothers (and of course sisters, suitably guided by their lawfully and divinely appointed menfolk) - I am an expert in cold churches. Indeed during the cold snap over Christmas, it was only the warmth of my own assurance that kept me from frostbite when conducting services in Bogwulf Chapel.
But it was Eileen's Northern Liturgy that inspired me.  Just last January I was in Newcastle. Truly the depths of winter. And even so the hardy inhabitants of that city walked around in their vests. Indeed, even their womenfolk braved the Arctic conditions wearying the skimpiest of clothing. So shocked was I that I wandered about after some of them, intrigued to see if they were showing any physical signs of the impact of the cold on their bodies. But eventually a very nice policewoman  asked me to stop and go home. I am pleased to say that she, at least, was wearing full uniform.

How, I wondered, would one categorise the cold in a typical church? And I have therefore created a scale - along the lines of the Beaufort Scale - to classify cold churches.

Parslow 1 - Toasty - The warmth of a modern church with a well-funded oil or gas fund. Or meeting in a hired school hall. Happy parishioners wear shirtsleeves or suitably modest ladies' lighter clothing. There are rumours that the acolytes and servers (if all-male and Anglo Catholic) "go commando".

Parslow 2 - Methodist Church fallen on hard times. Although there is heating, the thermostat is kept on "defrost". Worshippers wear tweeds or suits, pashminas and jackets. Older ladies wear dead animals on their heads that they claim are hats.

Parslow 3 -  Mid-summer. Worshippers wear three layers of clothing. The organist wears fingerless gloves. Plenty of processions (or lively songs in evangelical churches) to try to keep some body warmth going. While people suffer from frost-bite in their feet, the male worshippers of the balder tendency get sun-burn from the radiant heat lamps in the ceiling. People lose the sense of feeling from their feet.

Parslow 4 - Anglo-Catholic 8 a.m Mass. Older ladies in  ski gloves wear animals on their heads, that they claim are hats. In fact the animals are still alive, but in a state of hibernation. The ice in the font/baptistry has to be broken before a baptism. People lose the sense of feeling in their hands.

Parslow 5 - See amid the winter snow  - The church mouse has run himself up a nice cosy jacket out of a preaching stole. In churches of the Anglo Catholic variety, the worshippers huddle round the thurible. In churches of the alt.worship variety, they cluster round the tea lights. In Methodist churches they huddle around the hot-water urn. People lose the sense of feeling in their ears.

Parslow 6 - Gothick - The minister (in a church where they wear robes or preaching gowns) is standing conveniently over the only working hot-air vent. Ageing processes slow drastically, which is why so many regular worshippers live to 100. Smoke from incense is a liquid, which flows beautifully across the floor. The organ keyboard has frozen and the organist is reduced to humming. People lose the sense of feeling in their brains.

Parslow 7 - In the Bleaker midwinter - The temperature is below the point at which candles will no longer light.  It is snowing inside the building. Old ladies in gloves wear animals on their heads that went extinct in the last Ice Age. The words sung by the choir come out of their mouths pre-frozen. Falling to the ground, the notes can be heard months later when they defrost in the late spring. Bodily functions (of the type that I would be prepared to mention on this web site) shut down.

Parslow 8 - A country church on Advent 3 - Worshippers possess no thermal energy. Entropy is at a minimum (which is why the minister doesn't mind the temperature so much). In Newcastle churches, people start to think about maybe wearing a jumper. Smoke from incense lies, frozen, on the ground.  The treasurer concedes to the church wardens that maybe it's time to think about lighting the boiler.