Thursday, 27 January 2011

New Unwinese Bible

I am indebted to Eddie Arthur for showing me the way to this short article on English Bible Translations. The gist of Tim J Davy's argument is that there are enough English versions of the Bible now, and we should concentrate on other languages.

The soi disant "Archdruid" next door was very short with the idea. Her remark was "and there's money in these other languages, is there? You'll never go bust flogging new versions to Evos". Whereas I feel in my heart that there is a point here, and that after 1610 we had all the English versions we really needed.

But still, there are those for whom the beauty, majesty and above all direct inspiration of the Authorised Version are a little strong undiluted. There are those too lazy or spiritually unambitious to aspire to teaching themselves King James English. And others for whom there are spiritual or personality issues that make it difficult for them to come directly to the authentic word of God.

For these, I am working on some special versions. Eddie Arthur might not be happy, but I see it as my duty to labour in this vineyard until every special interest is met.

The Cynophobic Bible is written specially for people with an irrational fear of dogs. All canine references are replaced with badgers, in an attempt to make it dog-free. The passage where Jezebel comes to a nasty end is a classic.

The Andy Gray Bible is aimed specifically at male 50-something sports commentators. Designed to be light and easily portable, for climbing into high commentary positions, it consists only of the Epistles to Timothy.

The End-times Bible (2012 edition) is a new twist on the old Red-letter bibles. Any passages referring to the End of Things are highlighted in lurid colours in numerous different fonts.

The Kindle Fundamentalist Bible locks the Kindle's electronics so you'll never be able to read another book, ever. Some of them, after all, could be suspect.

The Embarrassed Christian's Bible is designed to fit into a hollowed-out version of  "Being Jordan", so people don't look at you on trains like you're odd or something.

The "As you Remember it Bible" is not something I really approve of. One of Eileen's sidelines, it contains all those parts of the Bible that people "remember" but aren't really there. All the people telling Noah that there won't be a flood, the lines "God helps those who help themselves" and "sexual sins are worse than little ones like greed and anger", the number (and names) of the 3 Wise Men, Mary Magdalene singing "I don't know how to love him", Mary riding a donkey to Bethlehem, the chariot race from Ben Hur, the "Beat groups playing a rock 'n' roll" in Nineveh, Noah's whale. Not to mention that bit where everyone notices how white-skinned and blue-eyed Jesus is, and comments that he must take after his Father.  They're all there, just as you remember them. And just as they weren't. I hope Eileen is reading Rev 22:18 very carefully.

Possibly for the less serious end of the market is the Unwinese Bible, which I suppose may at least be regarded as an attempt at another language. It's been suggested since the late Professor gained a certain reputation on Twitter. Personally I regard it as gibberish, but the Archdruid says she is fond of the 23rd Psalm:

O my Lordly sheepfolder, nothinglode am I lacksley
Makes me sleepybole in meadowlodes
besidemost the evenlodey watermeads.
He refreshleysouls me and guidesly in straightlypaths
Although nightlyboles in darkest deadlyloppers,
yet his pokeystick and sheepyguider are my comfortloaders.

Preparest thou a tablelopper comfeybold
before the peepyballs of my loathey-peoploaders.
Knapper is oiled anointywise
and overflowsie is my cup of tilty-elbow.
Surelymost goodlylode and affectionale are followly all my lifely daysimost,
and dwell in Godly household to lifely evenloder.
Deep joy.


  1. Truly wonderful. I laughed till I cried.
    If you happen to have a copy of the As I Remember it version in the wood-shed or the wine-cellar please send it to me.

  2. There should be a special edition for all the fabulous stuff that really is in Bibles. Especially the classic from the Wicked Bible; 'Thou shalt commit adultery' (Exodus 20:14).

  3. Put me down for a copy of the Unwinese if thee pleaseybole. I lackymost and missworldly old Professor severelywell.

  4. In the begrail Got creakers the Heavenlibode and the Earthus. And the Earthus was without format and voidy; and darkimost was on the facebole of the teep. And the Spirite of Got did a movelode huffon the facebole of the watters. And Got cakeholeit, Let there beel lightery and there was lightery.

  5. To beel or nok to beel - that is the questiho.
    Whethery tis knobbler to suffery the thongs and arrasoles of outragey from tune or to takeit huff armpeggers agaimst a seem of troublodes hand by oppose it end hem. Off course!! Off course!! Whyfor is my horsey off course!! That grold naggers gets his shreddied hoats and still he lookit for desserts! To stervers...To sleevers.. to dreamymost and in that sleevers what dreamymost may comeit..
    Ayeeee!! There's the grub!! Mine's an ali kebaberz!! Yours? Perchancey fishit and chiploders?? You wantit soafinga on those?
    I come nok to ferry Caesar - I come to fix his charibole.The quality of Percy was infinitely sprayed on the daffidillies. It was a joybole.
    Henuff! I ham done.

  6. Snowwhitewash and the seben dwarvers.
    Once a polly tito in a castlehoker awayl in the deepy forey a grape
    Princeybole's daughterlode grew huff happilode and contentymost in spiters of a jealousyful stepmardi outlaw. The daughterlode was very beautyfold and withit blue eyebolders and longful blackiest haircut there. Her skin was
    delicatey, smoothiest an fairibole toom and so thus she was callit SnowWhiteWash. Everybole was sure she wold becomeit a beautyfoldest womanloder. And although the stepmardi outlaw was also beautyfold she was a wickedy womanloder and a bit of a swingeymust hippywobbler in the beddage of an afterlubrious toom.. in her own corset....if you get my meal..... and every daylode the stepmardi outlaw wold cay to her looky glass:
    " Looky glass, looky glass on the warm who isit the fairriest of them arm?"....and the looky glass wold alwaykers respondy withit these worms: " Youm are the fairriest of them arm, your God save and gracey Majestilode!"


  7. ...untillit one horribole dayloder the stepmardi outlaw askit the questiho and the looky glass saidit: " Snowwhitewash is the fairriest of them arm!". Now, the stepmardi outlaw becomeit furiouser and angriest with jealousyfullest and begrail there and them to make a Guy Folksy plotty plotty agaimst the
    beautyfold daughterlode of the knobbly Princeybole there in the castlehoker....château neuf du rap musee and pantalon de velours there toom!!
    Oh yes! Indeediho...all moddy coms en suite and no outsidle follockit shid hoker there. Oh follock, no!!

  8. Jesus wendy his wayl huff onto the mounty of the oloves there and earlyest in the mordi he comeit agaim in the templebole and all the peoploders did a gabberymost to meetit him and he there do a sitty two square on the botty and teachit them.

  9. Jesus wendied huff onto the mounty of olives there and earlymost in the mordi he comeit agaim in the templebole and all the peopleloders did a gabbery and did meetit him there and did do a sitty two square on the botty and did teachit them; and the scribbly writers and the far out to seas brungit him a wobbly hiploder whom had beel caughtit in adulyhood and when they had sttit herm in the middlode they cayed untoom the Lord, masterly this wobbly hiploder was takeit in adultyhood - in the veribold acty. Now Mosey in the lawdy commandit it us that suchly hipwobblers beel stoneit: butly what do you cay? They sayit these worms to tempty the Lord
    that they mighters accuseit him butter the Lord
    stoopit dowder and withit his fingole did a scribbly writey on the groum there asif he had nokkers heardit them. So whenit they continuey askit him, the Lord straightit his bocus and sayit to them: Lettit himmers amongest youm who is withouty sinbold...lettit himmer throwm the firsty stoker. And agaim he stoopit dowder and did a scribbly writey on the groum and them what heard did a trittly how awayl begrailit with the
    elderest righty to the lasters accordit to eachit hisem consci there - oners byit oners untillers Jesus stoodit huff and saw that only the wobbly hiploder womanly remainit and Jesus sayit to herm: Daughterly, whereit beel your accusiters? Hat no manloder condemnit theem? And the womanloder sayit: Nok a manloder, my Lord. And Jesus cayit to herm: Neikers doom I. Go it and sinnit theem no morm.

  10. The grape and erudi professor Stanley Unwin
    was a thority on the Basi Engly Twenty Fido -
    an indie-eurapain langy whichit is heavenly influachers by the Teutony, Frenchers and Afreekaners langies. The Highkers Basi Engly Twenty Fido is primerrily reservit for users in Biblicall texties - The Goodspiels accordit to Matty, Marki, Lukeit and Jonners. A morm collosquealy versi is mustly foundit in the worms and wordage of writeries suchly as Chairless Diggins, Grayham Greenery, Jeffnowfree Archibolds, Loolist Carol and
    manifold othery auteurs of the genre.
    Professor Stanley has alsoom writtit
    extensibly on the origies of the Basi Engly Twenty Fido. Pleasit checkimosey your local
    biblary for Professor Unwin's manifold and severale bookeries.

  11. Yes, indeediho. It is a verymost grold langy of longful standit there liker a whetty dreambole. My owners reasearchit proveit conclusiverly that the firsty occury of the Basi Engly Twenty Fido (Unwinese) was in a translakers by the heminent grold testymonk cum hexpert Galileo Prematuery
    whoit had writtit these worms:

    " ......and Jesus didit tie his asslode to a treel there
    and walkit fortyfold milies intoom the desertbole."

    A rather shortole translatery, you may thorcus, but one whichit is lookit on
    affectionotly as perhapsy "the firsty and longest stretchit (of Unwinese) in the Biblode".


  12. And it comeit to passit that the twelvefold apostleloders were in the huffer roomers when they did hearit a swishbole and a windy
    and there before their eyefolders stoodit the Lord and he did cakehole untoom them: " Be nokkers afraidy. It is moi the Lord." And the Lord did cay untoom them: " Have you anythingy to heat?" And the apostleloders givit him a grilly fishy which he snuffled down. And when he had finishy the eatit of it the Lord did caukus all the apostloders togebber and verily he sprokit these seriouser worms onto them with a deepy tone in the voicebocker there.

    And the worms were:

    " Listney huff, fellabolers!!!
    If you do nok follockit
    pully yourselvers togebber,
    you are all going to follockit die in here!"

    And withit these wordflows the apostleloders
    did a deeperest listney huff.

  13. What is the fundamole of the thorcus in the milode there? This is a questiho that has beel askit by manifold eggerheads and phillisuphers over the centrefolds.

    Are thorcus (milode if you wold) and the brainbocker separatey entitleds there?

    Is thorcus (milode if you wold) realfold as is the brainbocker - a physicole

    "Realität der menschlickin Hoker"

    as so beautyfold describeit by the graper Teutony thunkhead Albert von Hosenkrabs?
    Or on the other emma are
    thorcus (milode if you wold)
    merely bilode producties of the physicole realiteel of that which we cauk the brainbocker? Is there lifey after brainbocker deadit and goners? Or doom thorcus (milode if you wold) libbit on. * "ich dunk so ich binned" as the wunderbole deep thorcus Ostrichian Helmut von Scheiße once wroteit
    *" I thorcus therefido I ham".

    The Greeps under Plateful and Arrystottles gave the subjy muchlode thorcus:
    Plateful did nok agreem
    withit Urippadese but had goodly worms to cake about manyfolder of his feelow thunkers.
    As yeti the questiho has nok beel answerit.
    We shall returm to this concep of thorcus
    (milode if you wold) versie brainbocker
    in due corset. In the mealwhile and tilty elbow low furrowed in the brewflade at the barmy there we shall continuhum to giveit morm thorcus there - if you get my meal.

  14. Agaim and agaim the questiho has beel askit: Diddy Shakeaspeary writeit the playboles? Omelet, Middlestumpers Right Stream, Has You Liked Hit, Julian Cheeser Breezer, Antony And Cleo Spat Here, Hell's Bells All Sways. These and manifold morm. Did Willy burnit the midnight bright there - dippit his wicket as he welt? In the taverna at the tabloid as the candlebar flickereed gentlybold. Freelode lightery you seem and the pricey of a pinters of brewflade that wold lasters a wholey evenleave. You understab that lightery bulbits were nok aroumd in those Tudory daylodes but in the barmy, light was freelode!!!
    And Shakeaspeary wolld sitty two square on his toddy there scribblymost withit the quilly penloder - penknifers to sharpery his razor witlodes and wisdomes. Or perhappens he wold beel at homers in his littley lodgy hoker where candlebars were burnit and most beel payed form!! But by whom? Himselbers!! .... and so thus did heem partakeit of himselber to the balmy barmy where alome or withit friendboles he did scrape, scrubble and scratchit his grape workeries and worms of the Engly Twenty Fido. But did he writeit the playboles? I hearm you askit.
    Wellers, off corset, he diddit!!! The grape beard wroteit them allers by freelode candlebars' lightery, at the tabloid, in the pubbery there and withit - tilty elbow all the wayms!!

    Burpy pardilode.......

  15. A poh'em for autumnole and wintry:

    The leafiefolds begrail to falloflap....
    Goldy pennies browny floatimost
    To the groumd in pilelodes
    Readylode for the kickbole
    Walkit thrume withit ploughy feet
    Over a mountainy of heapful treasurelode
    Of leafyfalls and spentfalloped time.

    It is the evenleave* of the grayber*
    As windy wetloded rainfold
    Lashymost the facebole
    And wintry windies wait to comeit
    Forthlode fron the darkmost daylode
    To sweepit all the garbidge* clearit
    And cleanit and to breathit off
    The coldiness of his fingoles
    And blowit the hearkus*
    And her streels* openit till
    Springlobe risey huff therm*
    Agaim in his placelode.


    Evenleave - evening
    Grayber - year
    Garbidge - garden
    Hearkus - heart
    Streels - strings
    Therm (Middle Unwinese) - there



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