Liturgy for the Nativity of Michael Palin (1943)

Happy Birthday Michael Palin

Introit: Liberty Bell

Archdruid: Hello, good evening and welcome to Blackmail!

All: 'ullo, Wanda!

Archdruid And after going from Pole to Pole, and Round the equator, we're taking our toughest challenge of all - to journey the entire length of the A41 from London to Ellesmere Port. And just a day after leaving Hampstead... 

Hnaef: Aye, 'ampstead wasn't good enough for you, was it? You had to go poncing off to Barnsley, you and yer coal-mining friends.

Archdruid: Coal-mining is a wonderful thing, but it's something you'll never understand.

Hnaef: I never wanted to be a Hampstead playright. I wanted to be.... a Lumberjack!

Young Keith: And I'm going to be a missionary. A missionary IN ENGLAND!

All: But everyone's ENGLISH in England.


The topical referendum bit

Eileen: I am your Archdruid.

Marston: Well I didn't vote for you.

Eileen: You don't vote for Archdruids.

Marston: Well how'd you become Archdruid then?

Eileen: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft the tea light Escarpment from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Eileen, was to carry Escarpment. THAT is why I am your Archdruid.

Marston:  Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' tea lights is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Archdruid: And now, brothers and sisters, let us go out and vote For the Alternative Vote! It is a symbol of our struggle against oppression.

Marston Moretaine: It's a symbol of your struggle against reality.

Archdruid: Stwike him, Hnaef. Stwike him woughly.  I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.

Marston: Well, I never expected the Spanish Inquisition...

Regressional: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life