Mission-Based Pastoral Reorganisation

Our neighbours the Windmill Hill Folk of the Chilterns have asked me to publicise the changes to their pastoral organisation, and their resultant changes to the times of services. The Chiltern enclave claim to have preserved their form of worship intact since pre-Anglian times. The type of claim I would typically cast doubt on, but it's fair to say that Blodwyn and Gwladys, who sit on the back row of the Pepperstock Moot House, still spit at any mention of "that swine Hengist. Not to mention his horse."

The La Tene People of Leagrave and Luton and the Corded Ware Folk of Caddington will now be looked after by Archdruid Earnest. Personally I'm not impressed by these male "Archdruids" - it's all very well them putting on a pointy hat and pretending to be Archdruids, but I can't see how you can be the real thing if you've a "Y" chromosome. I mean, we're all about balance and gentleness and rounded edges and cosmic symmetry - and how can you manage that if your chromosomes are different shapes?

• The Leagrave people will meet at the Little Moot House by the Lea, vandalism permitting, every Tuesday at 8pm (7pm on alternate 3rd Thursdays in the month, and 6.40pm when the sun sets before the moon on alternate first Wednesdays). The first Sunday in each quarter will be a "Songs of Praise" service, where everybody watches videos of Harry Secombe's finest hours instead.
• The Luton Folk will generally hide, quivering, in the bunker of their Moot House on Sundays at 3pm. The first Sunday each month this will be an all-age service at 7am, which adults under 40 won't attend because it's too early and they're still hung over from Saturday. And anybody over 40 won't attend because it takes them too long to get ready for that time of the morning. And children won't attend on account of there's nobody to take them. Archdruid Earnest, who is exactly 40, will be turning up but probably won't be trying too hard in the circumstances.
• The Corded Ware Folk of Caddington can't be bothered to hold weekly meetings at all these days as it all seems like too much hard work. But they can be found at the Cricketers every Tuesday night at 8pm (first Thursday in the month at the Sun Inn, Markyate).

Archdruid Alice will now be taking on responsibility for the Beacon Folk of Ivinghoe, the 5 Noels of Dunstable and the Iceni Folk of the Aylesbury Vale. Since Alice is now 95 years of age, she is strictly Moot House for Duty, and will be assisted by Assistant Archdruid Eric. As Eric has a job as a teacher (inevitably) and can only help on alternate Fridays and during school holidays when he's not at his Caravan in Hunstanton, Eric is officially listed as a NAPDLE*

• The Ivinghoe Beacon Folk will meet on top of the Beacon, at 8pm on Tuesdays except during the winter (too cold) the summer (too hot) and the autumn and spring (too dark). At all other times they will meet in the Moot House in Tring Woods on 1st and 2nd Wednesdays from 7-8pm. On 3rd Tuesdays they will meet from 8-9. On 4th and 5th weeks of the month, they just lose all track and stay at home making doilies.
• The Iceni Folk of the Aylesbury Vale meet in the Aston Clinton Moot House on first Sundays at 10am. In Whipsnade Tree Cathedral on alternate 2nd Satursdays at 11am. Except when there's a Full Moon, when they meet at 9pm instead. On the 5th Sundays between Good Friday and All Hallows they hold a joint service to which all the Chiltern Folk are invited. Although they never turn up, on account of an argument over sheep stealing dating back to the 14th century.
• The 5 Noels of Dunstable meet every Sunday, at 10.30pm at the Noel House. Everybody is invited, provided they are called Noel. They currently have six people called Noel, so to be honest they're not really looking for any new members.

Archdruid Alice, "Archdruid" Earnest and NAPDLE Eric hope that the new, simplified structures and service times will make a strong contribution of the Windmill Hill grouping, and will enable them to move with confidence and faith into the 4th century. They believe that, this time, they have achieved a structure that is truly mission-focussed.

* Not a Proper Druid like Eileen.