Higgs Boson "Had Phone Hacked"

In the sort of collision of realities that can only happen at the quantum level, James Murdoch today told the Leveson Enquiry how he missed the discovery of the Higgs Boson by one of his own newspapers.

Mr Murdoch explained how he missed the explosive information that not only had the Higgs Boson been found, but that News of the World reporters had hacked its phone. The news was buried at the bottom of a very long chain of emails, which he had not read all the way through as he had only read the bit about paying a "Mr Boson" £700,000.

"Naturally, if I had read the whole email," said Mr Murdoch, "I could have saved the countries behind the Large Hadron Collider a lot of money. After all, what's the good of a load of physicists looking for the God Particle when your private detective can give you its phone number in the morning?"

However this explains how the News of the World came up with a series of unexpected scientific scoops over the last couple of years, especially the story about the Higg's Boson's "high-energy romps" with a number of quarks. The quarks, who were unidentified, were described as having "a certain charm".