Friday 29 December 2017

50 Uses for Removed Pews

  1. Sentry box for the vicar to stand and see if anyone's coming to the service
  2. Pub furniture
  3. Log cabin
  4. Doors
  5. Full-size replica of the Marie Celeste
  6. Skirting boards
  7. A kids' castle in the garden
    Church missing roof (and furniture)
    "Bad news, vicar. It's not just the pews they took out"
  8. Victorian rabbit hutch for a Victorian rabbit
  9. Raised vegetables beds 
  10. Fuel for a wood burning stove (unless varnished - very bad for the environment)
  11. Mulch
  12. Filing cupboards for old PCC minutes
  13. Gothic trellises
  14. Replica Gutenberg Printing Press
  15. Big mysterious boxes as a public art installation 
  16. Temporary cover for holes in the roof
  17. Pitch pine flooring
  18. Pulpit
  19. Building material for the church's pet wasps
  20. Shelving
  21. Cricket sight screen
  22. Add wheels and make a go kart
  23. Grinling Gibbons-themed cat scratchers
  24. The sauna that mysteriously appeared in the vicarage garden 
  25. Bat boxes - to be put anywhere but inside the church
  26. Painting icons on
  27. Really really posh pallets
  28. Box for very short readers to stand on
  29. Tree house
  30. Skateboard ramp
  31. Frames for big pictures
  32. Eastenders actor
  33. Obstacles in the Church Over 60s Assault Course
  34. Rot-proof sledge
  35. Giant bats for playing geese-ball (except in countries with any kind of animal cruelty laws)
  36. Trojan Horse 
  37. Bookshelves
  38. Plank to make the vicar walk into the village duck pond if the sermon fails to entertain
  39. Coffin for the person over whose dead body they were removed
  40. Wood panelling in one of them really old-fashioned looking studies or meetings rooms
  41. Seesaws
  42. Rustic planters
  43. Windmill
  44. Museum exhibit of what pews look like
  45. Television cabinet
  46. Dog kennel
  47. Swansea City back 4
  48. Norwegian-style "stave church"
  49. Garden shed
  50. Pews in another church where they're removing the chairs.
(Thanks to Phil Ritchie for passing on the info that Chelmsford Diocese have a 51st use)

Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

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