I see, my gentle Beaker Folk, that there is much dissension among you over the consumption of biscuits. For when you gather together around the coffee table - an act of worship in its own way, as is all of our time on this earth - people are unfairly treated.
Inasmuch as those who don't have any clearing away to do get to the coffee table first, and half-inch all the Jaffa Cakes. And then all the Abbey Crunch and chocolate cookies go. So that those who have carried the chairs, or packed up their instruments, or offered prayer ministry, are left with only the custard creams.
And there are those who allow their children to feast freely on the wagon wheels of the land. Some have been know to sneak to the front and get away with two in each hand and three in their mouths. Which, at least, confirms my suspicion that they're not as big as they were.
And the cry of "who ate all the fruit pies? " reacheth unto heaven.
And so I am constrained to introduce the following rules.
Children will be separated from the biscuit plates by a distance of 6 cubits (according to the Etruscan cubit). This distance to be marked on the floor in blest chalk. Their parents are to take them one wagon wheel each. On a paper plate, so as to meet hygiene standards. The plates to be recycled into doilies, for not recycling them is an abomination unto George Monbiot.
Jaffa Cakes are no longer to be served on the biscuit table. For they are cakes, not biscuits.
Each adult is to take one biscuit from the "nice" plate and one from the "plain" plate. If, 20 minutes after the coffee time starts, biscuits remain they are to be covered with a shiny red paper doily, and removed to the Druids' lounge.
In this way, we will eat biscuits in peace, and drink from the filter coffee of joy.