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Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Rules for the Administration of Biscuits

I see, my gentle Beaker Folk, that there is much dissension among you over the consumption of biscuits. For when you gather together around the coffee table - an act of worship in its own way, as is all of our time on this earth - people are unfairly treated.

Inasmuch as those who don't have any clearing away to do get to the coffee table first, and half-inch all the Jaffa Cakes. And then all the Abbey Crunch and chocolate cookies go. So that those who have carried the chairs, or packed up their instruments, or offered prayer ministry, are left with only the custard creams.

And there are those who allow their children to feast freely on the wagon wheels of the land. Some have been know to sneak to the front and get away with two in each hand and three in their mouths. Which, at least, confirms my suspicion that they're not as big as they were.

And the cry of "who ate all the fruit pies? " reacheth unto heaven.

And so I am constrained to introduce the following rules.

Children will be separated from the biscuit plates by a distance of 6 cubits (according to the Etruscan cubit). This distance to be marked on the floor in blest chalk. Their parents are to take them one wagon wheel each. On a paper plate, so as to meet hygiene standards. The plates to be recycled into doilies, for not recycling them is an abomination unto George Monbiot.

Jaffa Cakes are no longer to be served on the biscuit table. For they are cakes, not biscuits.

Each adult is to take one biscuit from the "nice" plate and one from the "plain" plate. If, 20 minutes after the coffee time starts, biscuits remain they are to be covered with a shiny red paper doily, and removed to the Druids' lounge.

In this way, we will eat biscuits in peace, and drink from the filter coffee of joy.

10 comments :

  1. Hi Eileen. Our Church is having the wobbles about children taking Communion. Thanks for the healthy perspective

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    Replies
    1. I worry that you think i have a healthy perspective, but still. .

      Does your church think baptism makes you a member of the Church? If so, where does the logic go on baptised children (I presume) receiving communion?

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  2. I fear blest chalk is of little value in keeping teenage boys away from the biscuit tin (or indeed cavalier spaniels away from the Easter Egg stash). In fact Godfrey de Bouillon, armed with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch would probably be the best bet (although he has been known to nick the Tunnocks teacakes when my back is turned).

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    Replies
    1. We have the Earless Beaker Bunny to patrol the circle. Beware of etc etc etc

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  3. It seems rather good that those who do the manual work get the custard creams. They are, of those mentioned, the best biscuit on offer. I hope you were not being denigrating towards that most mighty of baked goods. Though if you have someone who has been disruptive in a service and wish for them to not repeat such behaviour in the future, one can do little better than to offer them a pink wafer.

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    Replies
    1. Ah, the custard cream! As St Harry Hill said, " The little albino cousin of the bourbon".

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  4. Leavened, or unleavened. With, or without bitter herbs. Is tea a bitter herb? So many questions...

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    Replies
    1. And are the Rich Tea Biscuits of old now Squeezed Middle Biscuits? #costoflivingcrisis

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  5. But behold it getteth worse; for I have seen some of the pensioners and, lo, they have taken two pieces of cake and have wrapped one of them in a tissue to eat later at tea-time. Yea, and if the cake happeneth to be an special cake they take three pieces, or even four, and they giveth one of them to a neighbour, or sendeth one of them to a relative up north.

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  6. Where's the chocolate bourbons?!

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