Wednesday 2 April 2014

Do not Feed the Organist

Some signs you probably won't see around a church. But maybe you should.

Communion Rail  If you cross this point, your elbow will be grabbed by a warden.  Hard.

Do not feed the organist  He already gets a balanced diet (beer), and that seat is only made of plywood.

Eva’s pew  If you sit in it, she will stick pins in a doll that looks just like you

Modern Stained Glass  Don’t bother trying to understand it, mortal

Quire Vestry  This is the right way to spell it  It’s you  that get it wrong

Narthex  We bet you thought it was like the Tardis.  But it’s not.

Bell Tower  Please do not open the door. You may let the bell-ringers out.

West Gallery  (Was here. Knocked down thanks to a power-crazed vicar in 1871)

Well-behaved children are welcome The behaviour we like best is when they stay at home

Chapel of St Algernon  It made sense in the 15th Century. These days we just keep the knitted nativity and a load of boxes in here.


  1. Not very welcoming, Eileen. As an occasional church cleaner, I prefer to be positive and helpful with my notices

    "Feel free to feed your children biscuits , raisins, or crisps in the pew. The church's pet rat will immediately emerge and take care of any crumbs in the pew".

    "Parents - please be aware that our hymnbooks are made from non-organic GM paper, and we cannot guarantee that any baby chewing them will leave here without a tail".

  2. I like Jadis' comments much better... and funnier. Where is your page?


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