Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Liturgy for People Who Are Consumed by Smart Phone Social Media

Archdruid: Peace be with you.

All: Eh, what? 

Archdruid: I said, Peace be with you.

All: Oh. Yeah.  That's... yeah.

Hymn: Guide me O thou great Redeemer (or I'll probably end up in a ditch)

Archdruid: Hnaef will now read the lesson.

Hnaef: Hang on a sec, I'll just.... oh - now, that kitten's just so cute I could knit it....

Archdruid: I said, Hnaef will now read the lesson.

Hnaef: Oh yeah. I'll just...

Daphne may rap Hnaef over the knuckles with a hymn book or, as it may be, a Samsung S3.

Hnaef: Yeah. Right, now.... I'll just leave my phone with Daphne...

"The need to be in-touch consumes me
And even in the night-watches, I wake up every ten minutes
In case anybody has mentioned me
Or that indefinable "something" has happened.
But the Lord is with me
Even though I have a HTC, yet will he upgrade me.
Although I walk in the valley of the absence of 3G, 
I will fear no evil.
Although I may bite my nails a bit, 
and press the "refresh" icon repeatedly
and maybe even wave the phone around in the air 
as, with phone masts being 100 feet high or so out in the wilds, 
an extra 2 feet should make all the difference.
Where can I go to get away from you, oh Internet?
If I go down to the Pit - there is no signal.
Oh, and parts of South Bedfordshire are pretty poor
And I'm talking about the signal, and not just picking on Luton.
All men are like grass, and pass away
In the morning they grow up, but by the evening they are gone
Surely a thousand ages in thy sight 
Are but as an iOS upgrade." 

Daphne: Well done. You can have it back later.

Hnaef: Can't I have it back..... now? (sobs)

Archdruid: And now Grebezza will bring us the second reading. Oh, no. She's just walked into the tea light stand.

Charlii: Can we now all pour out our beakers on Grebezza? Before that fire really catches?

Hymn: iPhone am a new Creation

Archdruid: Let us join in the Tweet of Repentance

All: We confess that we have ignored our families
Lost contact with friends
Walked into the road
and bollards
and lamp-posts
and other people.
We have stopped dead in the middle of the pavement
and wondered why people have walked straight into us.
We have wasted our lives looking at 6 square inches of glass and plastic
Richard Dawkins just tweeted something controversial..... just RT that..... 
We are, frankly, a danger to traffic
and we shouldn't be allowed out alone.
Was that your phone beeped or mine? Hang on, I'll just check....
But, being grown adults, 
there's nothing you can do about it
and we'll probably end up walking off a cliff
or straight into a....
Ah, look - Big Ben Clock!

Archdruid: Now, I was going to preach a sermon at this point. But afraid I got a bit carried away with the hash tag #nunactionmovies. So instead I'm going to live-stream the twitter feed from @mysadcat.

All: Ooh! That's a bit rude!

Archdruid: Sorry, sorry. That's @myswearycat. Didn't get much sleep last night. Was in a big row about the Peruvian peanut mountain.

A time of prayer for healing for those who have tripped over railings.

Hymn: Android, can it be?

Archdruid: Go, and tweet no more.

All: Sorry, let us just...... now - sorry, what were you saying?

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