Thursday, 12 April 2012

Beating Posh People with Sticks to Get the Demons Out

You know, often people will come to see me and say, "Archdruid, I'm very posh and I think God hates me. What are you going to do about it?"

And it's a very complex question. After all, some might say, if somebody is very posh, clearly God is going to hate them. What else, being a loving and forgiving God, could God possibly do?

But I don't go along with this. Love the posh person, beat out the poshness. That's what I say.

And I do believe that posh people can change. Obviously, they can give the Beaker People all their money. That makes them - at least, in a measurable kind of way - less posh. Although it doesn't affect their posh voices. Well, it does. Some of the richer ones can almost have a sob in their voices as they tell me how I've lightened the load on them. By the way, don't forget that thanks to George Osborne's stupid charitable giving changes, it's better for you to give me money this year, rather than next. And it's better for me as well. So give early!

But just giving your money away doesn't make you less posh inside. No, for that, real, deep, spiritual changes need to be made. In the old days, Beaker People used to deal with posh people by throwing stones at them. After a short period of this kind of treatment, they could barely be described as posh at all.

But the Nanny State had to step in, didn't it. So now we're not allowed to throw stones at posh people as a form of healing at all. And so we've needed to resort to the other traditional Beaker way of dealing with all basically evil ailments.

Beating people with sticks to drive out demons.

As long as we describe it as a "traditional faith-based therapy", the Government don't touch us. Obviously, we don't just go round beating any old posh people we meet with sticks to drive out the demons. Oh no - that would be wrong. And, more importantly, illegal. For us to beat a posh person with sticks, they've got to want to stop being posh. They've got to need to change. They've got to believe that we can change them. They've got to sign the contract that says it's not our fault if we beat them too hard with sticks. Because let's face it, it's not as if we like posh people - that's why they need changing. It's easy to get carried away with the beating.

And there's always the dangers of regression. After an hour or two of beating people with sticks, some start to imagine they're back at Eton or Winchester. And then they can become posher than ever.

But we do find that beating people with sticks gives results. After a few hours' treatment, they can start using words that are barely posh at all. And when they remember how much we're charging for the treatment, they can go positively Anglo-Saxon. At this point we stick a label on them saying "Formerly Posh".

That's why we're putting a banner on the Beaker Minibus. It says "Are you posh? We can beat you with sticks to get the demons out." We reckon it's gonna draw them in. And not be taken, in the Woburn area, as deliberate anti-posh sloganising at all.


  1. This sounds suspiciously like Public School rhetoric. The well known proclivities of Public School persons to beat each other with sticks, doesn't make them less posh, it just shows them how to beat the peasants with sticks. And how to supervise their peasants, when beating pheasants out during a shoot.

    And, as we all know, that all who speak posh, and normally the younger son or daughter of a minor nobility, whose pile was gifted to the National Trust in the 1940's to avoid death duties, and that they live off the name, which seems to generate money, without any need for them to work.

    And if work is needed, it probably involved grooming Polo Ponies or some such, which has no shame attached and normally has the odd peasant or two as a groom anyway to do the dirty bits.

    I think that Borish Johanson, would be quite interested in being beaten by a stick, as long as it's not Kensington Livinghardasnailsstone doing it.

    Borish is a man of the people, as long as they are his sort of people, not the peasantish sort of people. Mind you, he doesn't much like David Cameron or Georgie Porgie as they are doing the jobs that he wanted for himself, but was cleverly sidelined to be Mayor of London.

    Bring on the peasants to beat posh people by all means, but if they are not trained in a public school environment, they won't be licensed or qualified for the role.

  2. Sticks!? As a whip maker by trade I object to this break with tradition.

    1. Whips are well-known as being the first human invention to break the sound barrier. And we're still quivering like brethren after those two sonic booms yesterday.

  3. I just get worried about the posh agenda to turn ordinary non-posh people and make them all posh, even though they claim that being posh is not a lifestyle choice.

    1. I think that having a Government with a clearly pro-posh agenda doesn't help. We're starting to see a lot of chav-ist legislation going through.

  4. We didn't use sticks at my posh school - we used a knotted bell rope soaked in brine to administer what were called 'cuts' - oh, and lots of public humiliation. It made me what I am today - a beastly, yet articulate bully.

  5. You are of course correct about whips but only the better class of whip can break the sound barrier. A cameraman from Canada tried it with one of mine and the stock broke. Difficult to say who was more embarrassed, but it was designed as a carriage driving whip not as something to be used in the Wild West.


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