Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Fourth Anniversary of the death of "Humph" Lyttelton

Archdruid Eileen: It's a great pleasure to be here in the Reading Room at Husborne Crawley. In the 18th Century, the Dukes of Bedford put a great wall around their estates so that they could enjoy all the most beautiful parts of our Bedfordshire countryside without all the scruffy peasants wandering around and spoiling it. I wonder what it's like in there?

Every part of the British countryside would not be so interesting without its characters. And in particular, we have all grown to be familiar with those famous characters, "the village idiots". Let us welcome our teams.
Now I'm afraid that the Lovely Samantha has refused to be involved in tonight's game as she has objected to being involved in "a sexist stereotype causing ribaldry through the tickling of middle-aged masculine sexual hegemony". So instead this evening it will be Sven sitting on my right hand.  And now it's time to play the game called "Cheddar Gorge Litany".

Hnaef: Cursed
Burton: is
Charlii: he
Young Keith: that
Hnaef: curseth
Burton: his
Charlii: father
Young Keith: or
Hnaef: mother.
Burton: Amen
Charlii: Cursed
Burton: is
Young Keith: he
Hnaef: that
Burton: removeth
Charlii: his
Young Keith: neighbour's
Hnaef: landmark.

Archdruid Eileen: Let's play Mornington Crescent. Today we're playing according to the Russell rules. All transitions through Bedford Square can only be made on the diagonal., and no seducing the servant girls except on Wednesday.

 Hnaef: Aspley Guise
Burton: Ridgmont
Charlii: Cranfield
Young Keith: North Crawley  
Hnaef: Moulsoe
Burton: Broughton
Charlii: Broughton? Isn't that within the Borough and New City of Milton Keynes? I think you've just huffed.
Burton: Wavendon.
Charlii (pointedly): Woburn Sands
Young Keith: Tebworth
Hnaef: Tingrith
Burton: Chalgrave
Charlii: Nobody actually lives there, do they?
Burton (hastily): Sundon.
Young Keith: Mornington Crescent.  

Canterbury English Dictionary.....

Thurible - Bloomin' awful

Superintendent - Having all the best motives

Incense - How you receive change in the USA

Parish - Round about Par.

Chasuble - "Charles, you're a dreadful beast."

Residentiary Canon - How you fire the Dean

Wesley - Doing things like "Wes".

Prebendal Stall - Senior clergy spinning out of control

Archdruid Eileen: And after "There is a Green Hill Far Away" to the tune of "The House of the Rising Son", that's quite enough of "One song to the tune of another". Ever. But now it's time to greet the late arrivals at the Ecclesiastical Ball.

Hnaef:  Mr & Mrs Ord and their transexual daughter, Miss Eric Ord.

Burton: Mr Leadofftheroof and his wife, Nicola Leadofftheroof

Charlii: Mr and Mrs Fiss, and their over-large son, Benny Fiss.

Young Keith: The famous Methodist, Sir Kit Meeting

Hnaef: Mr Vicars, his partner Daisy Off, and their elusive daughter, Ona Vicars-Daisy-Off.

Burton: Mr Chew-Arguewiththeorganist and his son, Don Chew-Arguewiththeorganist

Charlii:  The lovely Scottish couple, Mr and Mrs Rainger, and their scary daughter, Flora Rainger.

 From Nigerian, Mr N' Communion, and his divisive daughter, Angelica N'Communion.

Young Keith: Mr & Mrs Bennet-Thats-ABigSpire and their son, Gordon Bennet-Thats-ABigSpire  

Archdruid Eileen: And as the dove of peace flies into the conservatory window of eternity, and the moth of hope burns its wings on the tea light of destiny, I see that it's the end of the show. Goodnight, and thanks, Humph.


  1. I used to love Give us a Clue when Humphrey was in charge. It was a guilty secret.

    Good to see his (or the team's game) being re-invented for the 21st Century. And as incomprehensible as ever. :)

  2. Anyone from the US of A wishing to know the rules of Mornington Crescent just drop me an email. Explaining will make a pleasant break from from the manual labour of ark building to survive the drought.


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