Monday, 2 April 2012

A Very Small Riot in the Beaker Bazaar

Quite an upset, for so early in the morning.

Before I tell the story, you've got to understand the rules for the use of pebbles in the Beaker community, I think. It's not simple.

You see, we can't let just anybody turn up with their own pebbles for use in worship. They may have sharp edges (the pebbles, not the people). They may have holes in them - and there's special rules for who can use hagstones. We're very wary of their allegedly medicinal properties - or, to put it another way, we reckon it's rubbish.

And we don't know where any old pebble has come from - it could have been found on a beach with a sewage outflow, or it could be a souvenir from a South African holiday during the 80s - which would retrospectively be condoning apartheid.

So we insist that all pebbles in use in worship must be Approved Grade 1 Pebbles. Getting these pebbles approved is an expensive business - so we charge 5 Beaker Beads (the fun Stone-Age currency) for them.  of course, Beaker Beads are freely exchangable at the rate of £10 per string - and when I say "freely exchangable" I mean that you can freely exchange Sterling for Beaker Beads. Unfortunately our currency-exchange software only works one way, however. Still, what could be a nicer souvenir of your pilgrimage than half a string of beads?

But the good news is that we will dispose of your shabby second-rate pebbles that you brought along - and for free. And when I say "dispose" I do of course mean "put through our rigorous testing process and recycle as Beaker Bazaar-approved pebbles".

So anyway, this bloke got all upset in the Bazaar, started shouting about profiteering and exploitation. Next thing, poor Burton's got beads and pebbles all over him and the counter on his foot.

I wonder what that was all about?


  1. Must be a mentally ill person. I hope you called the paramedics and had him sedated and taken to the local asylum. He needs prayer.

  2. I once went to the Isle of Man, at it's most Northerly Point there is a beach, full of very smooth, round pebbles. Despite the notices saying not to remove them, as it erodes the coastal defences, I gave into temptation and brought one or two, OK, 10 or 20 home with us.

    They make a lovely surround for a flower bed and their superiority to native Kentish pebbles stands out.

    I suspect that the Beaker Folk will have done the same to obtain their superior pebbles, which is why the Isle of Man is now fractionally smaller.

  3. Your place does attract some dangerous radicals! Before you know where you are that man will be wanting to dismantle the Beaker community and rebuild it. Better put him in his place. Surely you have some sort of group or forum to discuss and deal with these matters ? (replete with bean bags, raffia, tea lights and ideologically sound pebbles of course?)


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