Friday, 20 April 2012

Situations Vacant

Alternative worhip and health Sales Executive, Husborne Crawley

Are you able to swear blind that crystals will improve the spectrum of your aura? Do you think feverfew really heals fevers? Do you find yourself lighting tea lights to get in a spiritual mood? Can you administer an enema?

The Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley are looking for a keen salesperson to retail and occasionally deliver alternative therapies and worship aids. You will possess a warm, friendly nature, a winning smile, be a good team player and will almost certainly have no soul behind those so-caring eyes. On a commission-only basis you will not flinch from lying or cheating to make those sales that will keep the pay-day loan shark from the door. An ability to agree that icons are "pretty" will help.

The Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley is an equal-opportunities employer. You can be any gender, race, creed or sexual orientation you like as long as you never give a sucker an even break. During the hosepipe ban you'll be expected to supply your own watering can.

Sales Assistant, Christian Bookshop

If you want to spread the Word in a declining market, while you're undercut by the Internet, God bless you. We suggest you sell rosaries "under the counter" - that way you won't upset the Baptists.

Methodist Circuit Rota Organiser, Much Amending in the Marsh

Are you an expert with spreadsheets? Do you have a head for figures? Do you like to meet and work with new people? Can you solve the three-body problem in Physics? Was it you who proved Fermat's last theorem? If so, you are just the person that Much Amending Circuit is looking for.

Your job will be to ensure that the 19 Local Preachers, 2 Ministers, 3 Retired Ministers, 187 visiting Local Preachers from other circuits, Vicars in Ecumenical Parishes and people who just want to have people listen to them are distributed evenly across the services of the 21 chapels in this Circuit. Some chapels have a different time each week for their services, some have Communion monthly, others once a quarter, some unexpectedly take the summer off services because they've a chalet in Clacton.

You'll receive no pay, but you can expect to receive a string of conflicting special requirements, and keep the secret "black list" of which chapels won't have which Preachers, and vice versa.

The Methodist Church is an Equal Opportunities Employer. Although its recruitment processes are on the complex side. Oh, and we made up the bit about "meeting people" - you'll never get away from the computer.

Christian Builder

You'll be building with living stones. So treat them carefully.

Bible Translator

If you've ever woken up in the morning and thought "there really aren't enough versions of the English Bible" this could be the job for you.

An adaptable thinker, it's up to you to think of new ways to express God's timeless Word, so that people who already own 19 versions of the Bible want to own another one. Wrestlers, Rock n Roll fans, Goths, Weightliflters, Refuse Collectors, People who like Kittens - these are all people who've already got a version of the Bible specially for them.

We want to make sure every niche is covered - no stone unturned in our search for a demographic we've not produced a version of the Good News for. A way with words and a track record in Marketing will be invaluable.

Hebrew, Aramaic and New Testament Greek not really required.

Diocesan Peacekeeper, Diocese of West Loathing

Are you a practising Christian with a black-belt in karate? West Loathing diocese is terribly split on women priests, homosexuality, the Anglican Covenant and the use of the Prayer Book, and just about anything else we can think of. 

Your reconciliation skills will be just as useful as your ability to withstand long, fraught meetings. You will of course be expected to attend all Diocesan Synod meetings, but must be flexible for location within the diocese as you may have to be "parachuted in" to PCC meetings or, in extremis, particularly fractious outbreaks of Morning Prayer.
Experience in bomb disposal and hypnotism a must.

The Church of England is an equal opportunities employer. Except we will often discriminate on the grounds of gender, faith or sexual orientation. Although we can be fairly liberal on the "faith" bit.

1 comment :

  1. I'm told that Oxford Diocese (alone among all of the English Dioceses, has an Equality and Diversity person.

    He/She is compatible with all kinds of Christian, particularly the Odd ones such as Bishops and Arch Deacons.

    They act as a focal point for policy on equality and diversity and a contact person for Clergy and Laity who feel that they've been discriminated by someone sitting in their pew last Sunday.

    Pre-requisites for the post were membership of Forward in Faith and Reform. An associate member of WATCH and Inclusive Church (or at least a facebook member) and to be literate in Arch Bishop speak, to decipher the rather obscure pronouncements coming from York and Canterbury.

    Honorary Membership of the Beaker Folk will be a future desirable qualification for the role.


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