25 Signs You're Behaving in Real Life Like You're on Social Media

After my "If Real Life were like Facebook", I thought I'd expand the subject a little. After all, you'd expect that your Social Media life would reflect who you really are...

1. You still keep in touch with people you went to school with.

2. A minor disagreement over the expression "Communion of Saints" in the Creed leads to you pushing a tract through your neighbour's door every five minutes, and telling everyone that goes to his church he's a heretic.

3. When people in your workplace try to be your friends, you just ignore them because you don't really know them.

4. When  having a quiet drink with friends, you insist on repeating, so the whole pub can hear, every funny thing anyone says.

5. You've been banned from church after throwing a cow at the vicar.

6. Your farm is growing marvellously - mostly due to the high-quality fertiliser you make from dead, cute sea-life.

7. In the office and at business meetings, you'll only talk to people more important than you are. Unfortunately, they'll only talk to people more important than they are.

8. When you over-emote and spill all the details of your private life and spiritual feelings, people follow you around and like what you're saying. Whereas what they'd normally do is run away screaming.

9. Every time you get to your house, you shout "Who's the Mayor? Who's the Mayor?"

10. That minor issue over your neighbour's late-night DIY only ended when you burnt his shed down.

11. Every wall of your house is covered with an inspirational, cute or witty poster.

12. Your cats have left home, fed up of having to be amusing to order.

13. You find yourself shouting contrary comments at House Group to everything everyone says, just to get attention and a reaction. (NB - you may have been doing this already, long before Social Media was invented).

14. You only appear in public dressed as a giant mouse.

15. You have the irrational need to tell everybody at work what you're doing, all the time. "I'm using the stapler now... Going to the drinks machine!... Off to the loo... Back from the loo... Sitting in my chair... Wishing I was scuba-diving now..."

16. Your children have moved out because you keep announcing to visitors how much you love them.

17.  You all sit around in the pub, trying to find amusing jokes for "#marsupialfilms". Mostly in silence.

18. You've been told to stop shouting "Like!" during the sermon. [Thanks, Erika]

19. You're walking down the street and people keep running up asking if you'd like to play crappy games with them.

20. You open your diary and find that somebody has cut out all the dates, and rearranged them into themes.

21. You are followed everywhere you go by young women in bikinis - but behind their smiley faces, they're actually robots.

22. All the 50-year-old women you know look 27, and are 4 stone lighter than they were last month, due to one weird tip.

23. You can never go to bed in case somebody says something about you after you've gone.

24. You see someone famous in the street and think you can just go over and shout at them.

25. Your husband suggests that particular shade of green in your dress doesn't match your hair. So you slam the bedroom door in his face and report him to the police as "spam".