NHS Worldwide

Sometimes people like to use me as a Spiritual Director. Which is fine by me - my charges are very reasonable. Although these days I'm the Spiritual Chief Executive, and leave the money side to the Spiritual Financial Accountant.

Normally my conversations are of course bound by secrecy. But on this occasion, National Interest demands I tell all. This is the account of my conversation with a man I will call simply "DC", a few months ago.

"Tell me, Eileen - how can I get more money for the NHS, without cutting taxes anywhere else?"

"Tricky. Tell you what, why don't we get the top-flight hospitals to open franchises abroad? After all - we get McDonalds and Ikea, surely we can give something back. We could maybe open wards inside foreign branches of Marks and Spencer."

"Nice one. But, contrary to popular opinion in this country, nobody else has ever heard of the NHS. Where am I going to get the budget from for the advertising we'll need?"

"Tell you what, Dave - you've got some big event coming up in the Summer?"

"The Olympics? What about them? Shocking waste of money, but the Trots landed us with them. Of course, I'm going to have to look like I enjoy them, or Boris is going to steal the show."

"Yes. But the money's allocated for the Opening Ceremony, isn't it? That Doyle bloke......"

"Boyle?"

"Yes. Used to love him on Mock the Week. Can't he arrange a big NHS piece? Dancing nurses, kids under the bedclothes, Andrew Lansley threatening the whole scene..."

"Too scary. What about Voldemort?"

"Yeah, or him. And the letters "NHS" in big lights. What a teaser campaign that would be. And you know what the best thing is?"

"Tell me, Eileen."

"Everybody will think it's a lefty dig at you lot - when in fact we'll be launching "Brand NHS" to the world."

"Brilliant! I wish I had brains like you, Eileen."

"Well, that's why I'm Archdruid of Husborne Crawley. And you're just the Prime Minister."

"Thanks, Eileen. Goodbye."

"Bye Dave, and say hello to Boris for me? Tell him I haven't forgotten...."