Monday 22 December 2014

Father Christmas Hits Out at "Arctic Circles"

Father Christmas has stunned the elves on his factory committee by saying they're complacent, tired and "not fit to put together a lego castle with a rubber mallet".

In a hard-hitting speech in his Lapland hideaway, Santa listed the "15 Ailments of the Toymakers":

1) Feeling immortal. "Just because you're an elf doesn't mean you're immortal. Though you are, of course."

2) Working too hard. "We've seen a massive surge in faulty toys - Monday morning dolls with missing heads, and Friday afternoon teddies with no fur. Although that could have been when Robbie Williams visited. Either way, you've got to stop racking up the overtime, and focus on a quality product."

3) Becoming spiritually and mentally hardened. "Every toy should be made with the joy of a child in mind. If there's no innocent laughter in your work, the magic is gone."

4) Planning too much. "We spend 9 months trying to calculate overall sales volumes, and when the letters to me start going up the chimney, we don't have time to respond. We need to build up a safe buffer stock and trust we get it right."

5) Working without coordination, like an improvisational Jazz band. "If I see one more elf walking round with an Elsa from Frozen, while there's another elf the other end of Lapland wondering what to do with the matching Olaf - I'll nail their ears to the door"

6) Being Will Ferrell."It's just unacceptable, in this day and age, that Will Ferrell should feature in a blog post such as this."

7) Being rivals or boastful. "Rudolph's nose is the perfect guidance system on foggy Christmas Eves. The other reindeer must let him play in their reindeer games."

8) Suffering from 'existential schizophrenia.' "It's not good enough that my elves have second jobs as extras in 'Snow White' once Christmas is over. If you're an elf, you're an elf. You're not a dwarf."

9) Committing the 'terrorism of gossip.' "All I ever hear is 'look at Rudolph's nose - hitting the gin again?' It has to stop. "

10) Glorifying one's bosses. "Giant inflatable plastic models of me have appeared outside every elf's house over the last fortnight, along with innumerable penguins. It's got to stop. I don't even like penguins."

"Down with this sort of thing" - Santa

11) Being indistinguishable from others. "A few of you could at least paint yourselves blue and pretend to be smurfs."

12) Having an 'elvish face.' "All those pointy ears and that look Cate Blanchett did in Lord of the Rings, which is meant to be mystical but actually looks like constipation caused by actute macrobiotic consumption. You can all stop it."

13) Wanting more. "There comes a time when you can't make any more Disney characters from this year's film hit. I've got an entire garage full of Toy Story figures. And even I still have to pay the royalties."

14) Forming 'Arctic circles'. "We already have an Arctic Circle, and an Antarctic one. If you add anymore, it's going to be a danger to navigation."

15) Seeking worldly profit and showing off. "I blame that Dudley Moore. Making out that elvish life is all about saving Christmas and adventure and excitement. Whereas in fact it's all about good production line management, steady sleigh driving and getting good fuel economy on round the world trips. Elves are not supposed to be making careers in films."


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