Tuesday 16 December 2014

The Church of England / Business Translator

Inspired by this ad for a C of E "Talent Development Manager", at a very tidy salary. Albeit I did wonder if it was a spoof. It was only the word "Parishes" that somehow snuck through that stopped it sounding completely like it was advertising the sort of role that a business that has forgotten its purpose might have used.

So to help any aspiring member of the Church of England who wants to get with the new business-focussed, go-ahead world of Church, here's those key translations from old, boring, failing church-speak to new, dynamic biz-talk:

VicarBranch manager
Sermon on the MountFormer Business Model
Diocesan BishopRegional Manager
Suffragan BishopArea Manager
ArchdeaconFacilities Manager
Church CommissionersPensions Committee
ArchbishopChief Executive
CathedralAntiques department
Long-serving parish priestUnderachiever
Baptisms/FuneralsCustomer churn
Redundant churchSurplus plant
Supreme GovernorNon-executiveChairman
GodSleeping Partner
PCC Customer Relations

See, it's not like the Church of England doesn't need to be more dynamic. It's not that it shouldn't identify, train and promote people of vision and creativity.

It's just that it doesn't need to sound like the world, and like it's picking up 10-year-old business models, when it's doing it.


  1. Sadly, all too true. Next, a market flotation and FTSE 100 listing. I wouldn't invest.

  2. Brilliant, I love it!
    Also: congregation = focus group.

  3. What is beyond irony is that fast-tracking future bishops and deans (leaving underachievers behind in the dust, presumably) is supposed to be combined with a big push on mission and evangelism! "Oh would some power the giftie gi'e us, to see ourselves as others see us".

  4. Don't heap all the blame on the poor old CofE, I know at least one other denomination that appears to use the same sort of logic in running their 'franchise'.

  5. Maybe the deanery synod is the focus group?!

  6. You will have to say an Act of Attrition for this post

  7. No sales people? A company lives or dies by it's sales people. No wonder the church is falling apart!

  8. ...unless it's an on-line scenario. Where do they keep their servers - in the cloud?

  9. Wonder when they'll sell off redundant premises in order to improve the bottom line.......we could do with a new curry house in our village!

  10. this role is part of the team supporting both Archbishops in their responsibilities regarding senior appointments and in ensuring that senior clergy are equipped to deliver their demanding roles

  11. I wonder if you have to be a believer to be appointed...

  12. Heaven = Incentive scheme
    Communion table = Snack bar
    Sunday School = Audience development
    Judaism = Previous management system
    Faith, hope and charity = Junior staff remuneration scheme
    Calvary = Early retirement
    Gold. frankincense and myrrh = Seed capital
    The Temptation = Head hunting
    Acts of the Apostles = Passing off / Tribute band
    Parable of the talents = Pay day loans


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