So to help any aspiring member of the Church of England who wants to get with the new business-focussed, go-ahead world of Church, here's those key translations from old, boring, failing church-speak to new, dynamic biz-talk:
Church | Business |
Parish | Branch |
Vicar | Branch manager |
Sermon on the Mount | Former Business Model |
Offertory | Revenue |
Diocesan Bishop | Regional Manager |
Suffragan Bishop | Area Manager |
Archdeacon | Facilities Manager |
Church Commissioners | Pensions Committee |
Archbishop | Chief Executive |
Evangelism | Advertising |
Cathedral | Antiques department |
Long-serving parish priest | Underachiever |
Baptisms/Funerals | Customer churn |
Redundant church | Surplus plant |
Supreme Governor | Non-executiveChairman |
God | Sleeping Partner |
Ecumenism | Co-opetition |
PCC | Customer Relations |
Servant | Leader |
See, it's not like the Church of England doesn't need to be more dynamic. It's not that it shouldn't identify, train and promote people of vision and creativity.
It's just that it doesn't need to sound like the world, and like it's picking up 10-year-old business models, when it's doing it.
Sadly, all too true. Next, a market flotation and FTSE 100 listing. I wouldn't invest.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant, I love it!
ReplyDeleteAlso: congregation = focus group.
What is beyond irony is that fast-tracking future bishops and deans (leaving underachievers behind in the dust, presumably) is supposed to be combined with a big push on mission and evangelism! "Oh would some power the giftie gi'e us, to see ourselves as others see us".
ReplyDeleteDon't heap all the blame on the poor old CofE, I know at least one other denomination that appears to use the same sort of logic in running their 'franchise'.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the deanery synod is the focus group?!
ReplyDeleteYou will have to say an Act of Attrition for this post
ReplyDeleteNo sales people? A company lives or dies by it's sales people. No wonder the church is falling apart!
ReplyDelete...unless it's an on-line scenario. Where do they keep their servers - in the cloud?
ReplyDeleteWonder when they'll sell off redundant premises in order to improve the bottom line.......we could do with a new curry house in our village!
ReplyDeletethis role is part of the team supporting both Archbishops in their responsibilities regarding senior appointments and in ensuring that senior clergy are equipped to deliver their demanding roles
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you have to be a believer to be appointed...
ReplyDeleteHeaven = Incentive scheme
ReplyDeleteCommunion table = Snack bar
Sunday School = Audience development
Judaism = Previous management system
Faith, hope and charity = Junior staff remuneration scheme
Calvary = Early retirement
Gold. frankincense and myrrh = Seed capital
The Temptation = Head hunting
Acts of the Apostles = Passing off / Tribute band
Parable of the talents = Pay day loans