The Church of England / Business Translator

Inspired by this ad for a C of E "Talent Development Manager", at a very tidy salary. Albeit I did wonder if it was a spoof. It was only the word "Parishes" that somehow snuck through that stopped it sounding completely like it was advertising the sort of role that a business that has forgotten its purpose might have used.

So to help any aspiring member of the Church of England who wants to get with the new business-focussed, go-ahead world of Church, here's those key translations from old, boring, failing church-speak to new, dynamic biz-talk:

Church	Business
Parish	Branch
Vicar	Branch manager
Sermon on the Mount	Former Business Model
Offertory	Revenue
Diocesan Bishop	Regional Manager
Suffragan Bishop	Area Manager
Archdeacon	Facilities Manager
Church Commissioners	Pensions Committee
Archbishop	Chief Executive
Evangelism	Advertising
Cathedral	Antiques department
Long-serving parish priest	Underachiever
Baptisms/Funerals	Customer churn
Redundant church	Surplus plant
Supreme Governor	Non-executiveChairman
God	Sleeping Partner
Ecumenism	Co-opetition
PCC	Customer Relations
Servant	Leader

See, it's not like the Church of England doesn't need to be more dynamic. It's not that it shouldn't identify, train and promote people of vision and creativity.

It's just that it doesn't need to sound like the world, and like it's picking up 10-year-old business models, when it's doing it.