Sunday, 9 September 2012

Human Rites

Honestly, some people can be so pushy in the hunt for what they think may be their equal human rights. On this occasion it's a bunch of "hedge-druids". These are so-called because they're too mean to make our very reasonable volutary accommodation donations, and so have to live in the hedge.

Danny, Og and Grandad Garygygax just turned up with a list of demands. It's actually just the two demands, as that was the biggest bit of cardboard they could salvage from their hedge, scrawled on with a piece of coal.

So their demands were as follows:

1) Why can't men be Archdruid?

2) Why can't our hedge be warmer?

To which my responses are, in reverse order,

2) As part of the construction of the Community, the entire Central Belt rotates at the same speed as the sun's apparent orbit of the earth. This ensures that my Study Window gets just the right amount of dispered sunlight throughout the day.

Because the Moot House must always face in the correct direction it stands on an immovable island in the centre of the Community. The rest of the Community rotates slowly at the rate of 360 degrees per day. Lest anyone should think this is environmentally insensitive, I should stress that the energy source is totally renewable. The whole thing is carried round on the back of a horde of moles.

These moles are not tethered moles, forever chained to the Circles of the Moot House. That would be cruel. Rather, they are fed in at the Great Mole Injector, and escape, 24 hours latter, via the Great Mole Ejector. This explains why the Beaker Mole-Catcher is the sixth highest-ranking official in the Community. And why he is so busy.

This also explains why the Hedge Druids' hedge is so cold. Because of the way the grounds rotate, it is always in the shade of Great Oak.

1) Men can't be Archdruid because I am. When I decide not to be, Charlii probably will be. If she and Young Keith are ever blessed with offspring in the form of a girl-child, then there will be an obvious candidate for a successor. On the other hand, if Charlii ever sees sense and chucks Young Keith out and I have to find a successor myself - it still probably won't be a bloke. The way I see it, it's a matter of complementarianism. Women are for being clever, thinking, co-operating and therefore make appropriate leaders. Men are needed for going out hunting aurochs and being eaten by sabre-toothed tigers.

Oh, except they're not, are they? Oh well, bang goes that theory.

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