Tuesday, 11 September 2012

When One's a Crowd

We've not yet allowed Burton back into anywhere that is susceptible to fire. Seems safer that way.

In fact, we've wrapped him in yellow and black tape and told him to stand out in South Spinney. If you open the window, you can hear him out there - whimpering that he's scared of meeting Herne the Hunter. Which, if you've met Herne, is not surprising. He's a crashing bore. Last time I met him, he spent an hour telling me about the difference between the policies of the Austrian and German Social Democratic Parties.

Now some might say we're cruel to Burton. And, in the sense that he's one of God's children and he, like us, bleeds if you stick a needle in him, we are quite cruel. Especially when we're sticking needles in him.

But you've got to see all angles in these circumstances. Like our angle, for example. After all those beans, Burton's a bigger nett contributor to global warming than Didcot power station. Albeit without the charm. If he comes too close to a smoker, there's a danger he'll turn into a will-o-the-wisp.

And so we turn to that interesting question - can one be a solitary Beaker Person? Obviously "one" in this case is the pronoun, not the cardinal number. Because it is clear that "two" can't be a solitary Beaker Person, nor can "three". If anyone can be a solitary Beaker Person, it can only be "one". Two's a very small church, probably a Methodist one, and three's a crowd.

So - stuck out as he is in a wood, with warning lights (LED, not gas-powered - we like our Health and Safety) keeping everyone out of harm's way, can Burton be a Beaker Person on his own? Sure, he believes in the fundamentals of the faith - that is to say, the comfy feelings brought on by a well-lit tea light, the interpretation of the Bible in a way that doesn't challenge modern viewpoints; the power of wishful thinking and the dangers of badgers. But is that enough? If he's on his own, in a field, with no-one to pour out Beakers with and nobody to share the sloppy snog of fellowship - isn't he just someone who holds certain viewpoints? If Burton explodes alone in the forest, will anybody care? I'm sorry - will he make a sound?

You see, to me the whole point of being a Beaker Person is that we are a Community. As a minimum, there have to be two - one to make freewill offerings, and the other to threaten the first until they stump up the freewill offerings. If Burton's out there all alone, he is effectively a nett drain on resources. He's not contributing any money, and he's still breathing oxygen. I think there's nothing for it. He's going to have to be de-Beakerized until he returns to profit.


  1. "until he returns to profit"

    Bring him back at once! That's valuable bio-gas he's producing! In fact, you could dump the doily factory and convert to Eco-friendly fuel production...

  2. I think that Kirsten has hit the nail on the head: in himself he is valuble natural resource and I think you need to look amongst your flock to find a gas fitter / surgeon ASAP.

    In the meantime, couldn't Burton be included virtually via video link? The technology is there to be used.

  3. Why would Burton need company of humans? Surely as the Beaker folk worship and believe in anything and everything, than he must be surrounded by the Fairie folk and those living breathing trees and bushes. Admittedly, they don't say a lot, but conversation is no replacement for imagination.

    The good thing about his current living place is that it separates him from those tins of beans which have been the cause of gaseous emissions. He might be prepared to take the pledge (Beans, not alcohols) and become a 'Bean Abstainer'.

    Off course, his guilty pleasure will than become eating tins of cold beans under his bed sheet at midnight, better than some other guilty pleasures he might be tempted by.

    You could also appoint a 'Bean Controller' a new job for young Keith to police the Burton Bean Mountain. CCTV, motion sensors (movement not motions) and sound sensors (for bean slurping) means that Burton could be restored to community.


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