When One's a Crowd

We've not yet allowed Burton back into anywhere that is susceptible to fire. Seems safer that way.

In fact, we've wrapped him in yellow and black tape and told him to stand out in South Spinney. If you open the window, you can hear him out there - whimpering that he's scared of meeting Herne the Hunter. Which, if you've met Herne, is not surprising. He's a crashing bore. Last time I met him, he spent an hour telling me about the difference between the policies of the Austrian and German Social Democratic Parties.

Now some might say we're cruel to Burton. And, in the sense that he's one of God's children and he, like us, bleeds if you stick a needle in him, we are quite cruel. Especially when we're sticking needles in him.

But you've got to see all angles in these circumstances. Like our angle, for example. After all those beans, Burton's a bigger nett contributor to global warming than Didcot power station. Albeit without the charm. If he comes too close to a smoker, there's a danger he'll turn into a will-o-the-wisp.

And so we turn to that interesting question - can one be a solitary Beaker Person? Obviously "one" in this case is the pronoun, not the cardinal number. Because it is clear that "two" can't be a solitary Beaker Person, nor can "three". If anyone can be a solitary Beaker Person, it can only be "one". Two's a very small church, probably a Methodist one, and three's a crowd.

So - stuck out as he is in a wood, with warning lights (LED, not gas-powered - we like our Health and Safety) keeping everyone out of harm's way, can Burton be a Beaker Person on his own? Sure, he believes in the fundamentals of the faith - that is to say, the comfy feelings brought on by a well-lit tea light, the interpretation of the Bible in a way that doesn't challenge modern viewpoints; the power of wishful thinking and the dangers of badgers. But is that enough? If he's on his own, in a field, with no-one to pour out Beakers with and nobody to share the sloppy snog of fellowship - isn't he just someone who holds certain viewpoints? If Burton explodes alone in the forest, will anybody care? I'm sorry - will he make a sound?

You see, to me the whole point of being a Beaker Person is that we are a Community. As a minimum, there have to be two - one to make freewill offerings, and the other to threaten the first until they stump up the freewill offerings. If Burton's out there all alone, he is effectively a nett drain on resources. He's not contributing any money, and he's still breathing oxygen. I think there's nothing for it. He's going to have to be de-Beakerized until he returns to profit.