Here is the News, and this is Twitter reading it

First thing in the morning, I really don't like noise very much. And this tends to limit my acquisition of the news of the day.

Classic FM is very nice to wake up to - there is always the danger that Radio 3 will play something "challenging" or "modern". But Classic FM's bulletins are brief.

Radio 4's presenters get my goat. A bunch of privileged lah-di-dah types, constantly harping on from the Left as if they are the harbingers of a forthcoming revolution in which they will almost certainly be first up against the wall. If I wanted to be subject to Toynbeeisity first thing in the morning, I'd ask Polly herself whether I can come round to her French villa for breakfast.

And then there's Radio Bloke. Last time I listened, Nicky Campbell was trying to stir up a fight between a posh General Synod woman and the very polite man from Stonewall who desperately avoided calling her a bigot, no matter how much Nicky Campbell encouraged them both to fall out. It was like an audio-only version of the Jeremy Kyle show. So at least, I suppose, it was a lot better than the Jeremy Kyle show.

So these days I prefer to work out the news from the ramblings of those on Twitter. It has the advantage that, despite its name, it is completely quiet. And, as I try to weave the news out of the complex strands of chunter and counter-chunter from left and right, I feel like I'm doing a kind of textual analysis. It's like being one of those scholars who construct a complete annual religious cycle for Israelite Baal-worship from the Psalms, or make up the book "Q".

This morning, for example, I learn that William Rees-Mogg is planning a cage-fight against Mitt Romney.

Michael Gove is going to have to do all his governing under exam conditions from now on. He won't be doing any of it as homework, in case he gets a load of help, or he Googles it. But he is also introducing a new exam in the music of Burt Bacharach. Not before time in my opinion.

Tuberculosis in Anglesey is not caused by badgers. Unsurprising in my opinion, as I don't see how they could get into the blood-stream. And imagine how painful the vaccinations would be. Although using Anglesey as a test case for the rest of the UK seems unscientific. If it was any way typical of the rest of the country, I'd be living in Huddsborne Llrawlley. And Ridgmont Railway Station would have a much longer sign.

The Police are seeing if they can get away with picking a scapegoat and not looking too hard at themselves as an institution. How things have changed since Hillsborough.

And there seems to be some royal story about. Apparently somebody who took a photograph of Kate Middleton is going to be buried under a car park in Leicester. I presume this is going to be Wills's next lad's night out when he gets back from Afghanistan?