Thursday, 27 September 2012

Jeeves and the Cycling Chief Whip

I am glad to welcome, for a second time, Bertram Wooster Esq to comment on the news of the week. I am very fond of young Bertie, though I wish he would get out of the habit of referring to me as "Auntie Eileen".

"Crikey, Jeeves," I said, sipping the healing oolong as I lounged, refreshed, after the morning bath. "I see that Whippy Mitchell is in awful trouble with the boys in blue. Corky Cameron is absolutely livid."

"Indeed sir. Apparently Mr Mitchell has been reported as calling one "a pleb"."

"Not very noblesse oblige, Jeeves."

"Indeed not, Sir."

"Indeed, in my salad days a Boat Race Day barely went past when I did not remove the lid from one of the rozzers. A healthy, sporting tradition. But Whippy had not indulged in this passtime?"

"Thankfully not, Sir. Many members of Her Majesty's Metropolitan Constabulary are armed, especially in the vicinity of Whitehall. Mr Mitchell could have ended up with a sub-machine gun being pointed at him."

"Crikey, Jeeves. Armed police? It's got so one can hardly lift an antique cow-creamer from the drawing-room of a Justice of the Peace without putting oneself in mortal danger."

"Quite so, Sir."

There was silence for a moment as I pondered the new state of affairs. Jeeves dunked a Bath Oliver in the tea for me, and passed it to my mouth in the filigree biscuit spoon.

"Jeeves, just one thing concerns me in this story. What was Whippy so upset with this guardian of the peace for?"

"The young person in question had prevented Mr Mitchell from cycling through a gate, Sir."

"Sounds terribly unlikely, Jeeves. A Minister of the Crown cyling around the place?"

"It is something he does a lot, Sir."

"Yes, Jeeves. But I would understand it if he were doing so naked, while singing excerpts from Gilbert and Sullivan. Or perhaps, after an altercation over a meat pie, the residents of Downing Towers were all locked out in their nightwear? Was Whippy cycling to Market Snodsbury in his pajamas to get the spare key from Clegg, the Butler? Was it necessary to do this to ensure a reconciliation between Oofy Osborne and Baroness Warsi?"

"Apparently not, sir. It is popular with many young gentlemen about Government these days. They believe it makes them look environmentally friendly. Mr Fink-Johnson...."

"Jeeves, Boris Fink-Johnson needs a bicycle at all hours, in case he is chased by an angry husband. That is why he has bicycles scattered all over the Metrop."

"Indeed Sir. I see Yvette Cooper has been on the Televisual apparatus this morning, saying that it is the Government's upper-class, Bullingdon-Clubbish behaviour that is provoking unrest and resentment in society."

"Jeeves, Yvette Cooper thinks that the stars are God's daisy chain, and the rabbits on the lawn at Totleigh Towers are secretly trades unionists. Her opinion is not one worth considering."

"Very good, Sir. Now, the shell suit today, or the smart-casual?"

"I am going to be meeting a group of City Bankers today, Jeeves, to tell them to stop paying themselves large bonuses. So I suppose it'd better be the sack cloth and ashes. After all, we're all in this together."

"Very good, sir. And the white mess-jacket and top hat? We can't let ourselves look too down-at-heel."

"Right-ho, Jeeves."

1 comment :

  1. The problem wiv y upphr class gits is dat u don't see ow de uvver alv liv. Uz poor coppers work all ours, standin abaout watin 4 terroists to atac u lot.

    We assed im 2 get ov is bike and push it thru the side gaet and e got al sniffy wiv uz.

    Iv e ad ane respect 4 de workin clas e'd ave got of and pushed de bike thru. No, e ad to get on is igh orse and take de p***.

    Nexd tiem e'll get loced up. So dere!!


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