Paying Leaders by Results

It is truly said that if you can measure something, you can make it better. And it is also true that the horse that stamps the grain is entitled to get its oats. And so at the last Moot meeting, where we discussed how best to incentivise our Druidic Team to maximise their performance, I asked for suggestions - which have flooded in. So thanks to all the people in the Community who've responded with ideas for bringing in a performance-related pay scheme for myself and the rest of the leadership team. I've listed the suggestions below, together with the financial, practical or theological reasons for rejecting them all.

Bonus payment per soul saved - This is just so fraught. I mean, the only objective measurement we've got this side of glory as to whether someone is saved or not is when they say they are. And then - what happens if the salvation they think they've received doesn't measure up to the Community-approved definition of salvation - if we had such a thing? And then - worst of all - what would happen if later on they apostatised? Since I'd almost certainly have spent all the money on Jaffa Cakes and Aspall's cider, I could hardly be expected to pay it back.

"Bums on seats" - I mean, sure this looks a simple formula. So much per bottom. But the calculations could get complicated - is that on any particular day of the week? Do I lose out in August when everyone's on holiday? Is it an average? Only if so - what kind? Would it be in my interest to cancel all badly-attended Occasions and only organise them for big events such as Full Moon, Lammas and Yule?

Pastoral Visiting - Simple, measurable. But where would we get the money from? I mean, I can happily go and visit people all day (unlike Hnaef, for whom this would definitely be a "beer money" kind of activity in his spare time). But we'd have to start charging the people we visited. It would simply be unfair to the unvisited otherwise.

Sermons preached - This would encourage me to preach lots of sermons. And we don't want that, do we?

Handfasting Ceremonies - Sure, I could be paid, let's say, 100 quid for each one conducted. But I already hold a monopoly on the catering contract and the on-sales licence, so I use the "Free Ceremony" deal as a bait to get them to hold their receptions with us.

Fellowship Whip-rounds - Don't be silly. Do you want me to starve?

Funerals - I've already negotiated an "arrangement" with a couple of undertakers in surrounding towns. The grieving families quite appreciate my sermons, as I always like to be encouraging about the fate of the dearly departed - whereas some vicars still seem a bit constrained by the concept of a "judgement". Sadly though, as they are reducing in number, my revenue source is starting to dry up a bit.

Which is why I've got to propose my own solution to the performance-related pay issue.

Beaker Folk (Cayman Islands) has issued a number of shares in Beaker Folk Operations Ltd to me and the other members of the Synod. Naturally these are non-voting shares (so I keep all the power on important decisions to myself) but this does ensure that The Hnaef Corporation (Jersey) and Mrs Hnaef Ministries (Turk & Caicos Islands) will be suitably remunerated in a fair, transparent and tax-effective way. I hope you'll understand that, being based directly on the profits that we make each year, this scheme represents the most accurate way of measuring the spiritual, leadership and prophetic contribution we make to the Community. So much better than mucking around getting judges to mark your sermons out of 10, I'm sure you'll agree.