The heresy of Acerism

I found my computer today. Somehow, it had got lodged behind a disused radiator. In the cupboard under the stairs. Under some old carpet. But it's working, now that I've put a fuse in the plug. Anyway, today is one of my favourite days of the year, because it is a day to Get Things Right[tm]. Let me explain.

Pancakes are a sacred thing, and have to be done right. I will not tell you exactly what the correct recipe is: I know some who prefer Delia, though I am a Good Housekeeping man. There are traditional recipes that have been handed down through the generations, and these may also be fine.

But there are some things that you must Get Right[tm]. Let me list them for you:

• pancakes should be flat. As in the phrase "flat as a pancake". It's a give-away. Pannekoeken are tasty treats, and they have their place. Which is in Holland. Over here, we have flat, thin pancakes.
  
• pancakes should not have buttermilk in them. What Americans make are not pancakes. The Americans get many things very confused, as I discovered when I visited a few years ago and spent some few hours in a police cell over an understanding over the phrases "No soliciting" and "That's a nice set of jugs you've got there, miss". I met a very nice young man in the cells, however, who asked me if I was interested in cigarettes. Or was it meatballs? I forget.
• pancakes should not have fruit in them.
  
• pancakes should not have chocolate on them.
• pancakes should not have fruit on them.

In fact, it's easy, as there is only one orthodox accompaniment for pancakes: lemon and sugar.

And that brings me to the worst heresy of all on this last day before Lent: Acerism. The sap of the tree Acer Saccharum (the "Sugar Maple") was not available to the historic Beaker Folk (unless the Vikings had brought some back, but I've lost track of when they were, and when they discovered America and why they weren't called Columbus, so I think we can ignore that possibility). And if it had been, they would have eschewed it.

Make a stand for Orthodoxy. Crack down on Acerism. Next time you're in a shop (and it'll be a shop, not a "store"), and you see maple syrup, I urge you to be firm. Get it Right[tm]. I'm talking about serious action.

What you must do is to stand opposite the display, to shake your head, and to tut. Don't hold back. this is worth overcoming your natural reticence. You should tut loudly.

Yes, together, we can wipe it out.